Love & Hate (Book Two: Love) Read online

  I am reeling. I don’t know what to say. I feel sick to my stomach. He slept with four, maybe five other girls. I can’t freaking believe it. I try to remove my hand from his but he just clutches it tighter.

  “Paige, please don’t. Talk to me baby. I’m so sorry for hurting you like this but I refuse to lie to you.”

  I know I shouldn’t look at him because I know he will break me, but I do it anyway. He looks so frightened. The pain is written all over his face. I take in a deep breath and consider my options in my head. I can either throw him out and be pissed off until the end of time. Or I can sit here and try to work through how I feel. Throwing him out sounds pretty damn good right now but I know from the past that will get me nowhere.

  CHAPTER 20

  “Then why did you start dating Laney? I mean I guess I kind of get you being a man-whore, but why start dating Laney?” I blurt out.

  He sighs in relief. He knows I was considering just throwing him out and running from all of this. “Laney has been a family friend for years. She saw me going through a really bad time and she was there for me. She helped me when I couldn’t help myself. We were just friends. It helped having her around, it made me not want to drink so much.” He lowers his eyes and looks at the blanket crumpled up between us. “She would let me talk about you. I would tell her how much I missed you and how much I screwed up. I told her how much I loved you.” He says the last part in almost a whisper.

  “Are we talking about the same Laney Davis?” I know I’m being a bitch but I can’t help it. The person Cutter is describing is not the Laney Davis I know.

  “Laney tried to get me to go talk to you and explain everything that happened but I was a coward. I convinced myself that you were better off without me and that I needed to move on. Between the booze and the guilt I had thoroughly persuaded myself that I was solely responsible for your accident, and that I almost killed you that day.”

  I watch Cutter and I can see the pain resurfacing by the way he speaks about the past.

  “So one night there was a party going on at the frat, Laney and I were in my room hanging out, and she kissed me. I don’t know why I didn’t stop her. I guess I just didn’t want to lose my friend. So from that day on we started dating, you could say. I know now that I was just using her to fill the void I felt from losing you.” He continues to look down ashamed at his own words.

  “Well I guess that explains why she is so nasty to me then.”

  “Paige there is something else you need to know and I need you to believe me. Do you trust me?” Oh shit what could be possibly worse than all of this?

  “Yes.” I don’t even think about it. I trust him even though everything that has happened.

  “I want you to know I never slept with Laney.” He says staring me in the eyes willing me to see the honesty in his statement.

  “But I saw you that night.” I say back, astonished at his confession.

  “No, you saw us making out in my bed. We never had sex.” He says again.

  I’m totally shocked. I just assumed they had been sleeping together. I don’t doubt what he is telling me though, but I still find it hard to believe. “I guess I just assumed you were sleeping with her.” I tell him honestly.

  “I know you did, but I need you to believe I never slept with her. I’m thankful for Laney’s friendship and I don’t want to hurt her, but I’m not in love with her. I love you Paige. You are the only one I have ever loved.” He is gazing at me with such vulnerability it’s hard to look at him.

  I love him too, I just don’t know if I’m ready to say that back to him yet. I feel like I need to be cautious with my heart still and if I say back to him I can’t protect it. “Have you told her this?”

  “Yes. I told her weeks ago. When you came back to school I knew I hadn’t moved on. I wanted a second chance with you. I told her the first week of school we needed to just be friends again but she is taking it hard.” He says.

  “Well then why did I walk in on you two?” I ask pointedly.

  “I was upset from your birthday night. I wanted to tell you everything that night but I didn’t want you to hear it when you were drunk. I was so frustrated with myself. So the night of date dash I started drinking again because I had seen you with Holden. I had convinced myself that you hated me and moved on. Laney came over and saw that I had been drinking. She suggested we go talk in my room, so we did. I passed out from drinking so much and when I woke up she was kissing me. I didn’t stop her at first and I know it was wrong. I reverted back to my old ways of coping.”

  “Okay…” I say. I have more questions now and I know he is aware of this.

  He takes in a deep breath and starts again. “When you walked in on us I pushed her off me and took off after you. Tanner stopped me though. He made me wait until he talked to you first. While I waited I went and talked to Laney. I told her she isn’t the one I want. I said I was sorry for using her, but she didn’t want to hear it and stormed off.” He says with shame in his voice.

  “Okay…so then why at the bonfire did I see her going upstairs to warm your bed for you?”

  “I don’t know. When I found her in my room that night I screamed at her to leave. I told her I would never love her and she needed to move one. She ran out of my room crying and I haven’t seen her since. I do feel bad for the way I treated her that night though, she didn’t deserve that.”

  “Well that clears up her attitude with me today.” I say with a sarcastic laugh.

  “You saw her today?” He asks shocked.

  “Yes, I had to go buy grain for the horses and she was working at her parent’s store. She was less than friendly to say the least.”

  “What did she say to you?” He asks clearly upset now.

  “She was her usual nasty self. She said you would never love me because I killed your dad and ruined your relationship with your brother. Oh and she said you couldn’t possibly love me after the things you two did together. I know now she was just trying to make me jealous.” I watch Cutter groan and rake his hands over his face.

  “I will fix this Paige. I created this problem and I swear to you I will fix it.” He says taking my other hand in his and forcing me to look directly at him. “You know those things aren’t true, right? None of those things are your fault, you understand that, right?” He says concern laced in his voice.

  “Yes I know now that you don’t blame me for your Dad’s death, but it still stings to hear it. And I hate that I am the cause of the rift between you and Cooper. You may not like what he has done but he is your family.”

  “I know I need to talk to him. I just am so angry with him still.”

  “You and I both know better than anyone that anger will eat you alive.” I can only imagine how hard it will be for Cutter to have that much needed conversation with Cooper.

  “I promise you I will talk to him soon.” He says.

  “Good.” I say back to him.

  Silence settles between us now and I’m left with my runaway thoughts. I’m still not certain exactly how I feel about everything Cutter told me this evening. I feel relief that he didn’t actually sleep with Laney, but I am still hurt that he slept with other girls. It’s not like he cheated on me or anything, but it still feels like a betrayal of some sort.

  “Paige…” He says pulling me out of my jumbled thoughts.

  “Yeah?” I say looking up at him.

  “Did I ruin it? Did I ruin my second chance?” He asks in a sullen voice.

  “No...I don’t know.” I sigh. “I just don’t really know how to feel I guess. Part of me is really hurt that you slept with all those other girls and the other part of me kind of understands why you did it.” I remove one of my hands from his and tuck my hair behind my ears. “I guess for right now let’s just say we are working on things.” I tell him.

  He closes his eyes for second longer than a blink and nods his head. “I can live with that.” He says.

  “Good.” I say back to him.


  “It’s getting late.” He says looking out the huge floor-to-ceiling window in the living room that overlooks the rolling pastures. It is completely dark now. When he got here it was still light out. We have been talking for hours.

  “Yeah, here let me walk you out.” I tell him as I untuck my legs from underneath myself to standup.

  He shakes his head like I said something funny. “You are something else, you know that?” He says with a light chuckle.

  “What?” I am at a complete loss as to what is so funny here.

  “It’s cute how you always pretend like I’m going to just politely leave. It’s like you forget who I am baby.” He says in almost a dark voice. “You forget I’m not polite, Paige.” He bends down and picks me up cradling me in his large arms. He starts walking us back to my bedroom.

  “Cutter…I don’t know…” I don’t know why I even attempt to stop him. I guess putting up a bit of protest just makes me feel better about everything.

  “Nope, not happening darling. You had your chance to send me away and you didn’t. So now you are stuck with me.” He lightly tosses me onto the center of the bed. “And I have a lot of making up to do.” He says in husky voice.

  Cutter crawls up on top of me. I shudder in excitement for what is to come. He pulls my shirt over my head. He makes quick work of my bra and then begins unzipping my jeans. He tugs them down my legs and then next my panties. I am now completely naked lying underneath him.

  “I love your body. I love every inch of you.” He says and madly rips his clothes off but then stops and I see something pass behind his eyes. I know he is thinking something dark and I am scared to find out what it is.

  I am completely caged beneath him but he has stopped his advancement and is hovering above me.

  “Cutter what is it?”

  My question brings him back to reality and I see his eyes adjust focusing on me.

  “I need to know Paige, even though I swore I wouldn’t ask you… I need to know… did you sleep with him?”

  My jaw falls open. I can’t believe he is asking me this now of all times. This didn’t matter last night why does it matter now?

  “Look, it doesn’t change the way I feel about you, I just need to know for my own sanity. I keep picturing him touching you and it is driving me crazy. I have been avoiding asking you, just putting it out of my mind because I know I have no right to ask it, but it is killing me. I need to know darling.”

  “No! I most certainly did not sleep with Holden if you must know!” The nerve of him!

  That is all I get out before I feel him push forward into me, stopping all my thoughts of anger and confusion. Now all I can feel is Cutter, every square inch of him.

  I watch in amazement as he slowly thrusts into me. All my pissed off thoughts of him asking me about sleeping with Holden completely melt away. I am writhing now in anticipation of what is to come. I want him so bad I feel almost mad. I begin grabbing at his back trying to maneuver him where I want him, but he is purposely avoiding my advances. I grasp onto his huge biceps as he continues to set his painstaking slow rhythm.

  When Cutter first entered me it hurt slightly but any discomfort is immediately replaced by pleasure as he begins to increase his pace inside of me. I look up at him and meet his gaze. I always feel connected to Cutter when we make love but this time the way he looks at me makes me shudder. He has such an intense look like he can see into my soul, it is overwhelming.

  I insanely claw at his back forcing him to drive into me further. I hear Cutter let out a low growl and curse or two as he gives into my continued demands to increase his speed. I watch as this powerful man balances above me with such care and precision then come apart as I feel him slam deep into my depths. He knows exactly how to make my body respond to his touch. I know this body is not truly mine in this moment but his; I am just existing inside of it.

  Just when I think I can’t handle any more intensity Cutter bends his head next to mine and whispers to me “Come for me, darling.” I lose it. I come apart and he follows close behind me.

  My body feels completely limp, like I will never be able to move again. That was the most amazing thing I have ever felt. There was such raw intensity between us, it was almost like we were healing what was broken between us.

  “I love you Paige. I know you aren’t ready to say it back to me and that’s okay. I’m going to just keep telling you until it sinks in that beautiful brain of yours.” He says still hovering above me.

  “Thank you for understanding.” I tell him in quiet almost whisper like voice.

  “Alright, I’m thinking its shower time.” He says and hauls me off the bed toward the bathroom.

  We shower together and end up making love a second time that evening. It was well into the wee hours of the morning before we snuggle into my bed to finally rest. I know I should be taking things slower but I can’t help it with Cutter. He owns me.

  CHAPTER 21

  The rest of Thanksgiving break goes about the same way as it started. During the day I would ride The Biz and help Lacey at the barn. I could tell I was making huge improvements in my leg strength, which I couldn’t be happier about. In the evenings Cutter would come over and we would spend most of the night chatting and making love. I became slightly disgruntled when my parents returned home and I could no longer have Cutter in my bed every night. It was lonely not having him sleep next to me.

  That is why I was relieved when it was time to go back to school. We had come home late yesterday night. The six hour drive flew by. I even let Cutter drive my new truck part of the way. I think that is a huge step. He stayed over last night at my house. I’m sure Millie is dying to ask me what is happening since she saw a half-naked Cutter walking through our house this morning. Bless her heart, Mills just pretending nothing was weird and offered him some breakfast. Classic Millie.

  I’m brought back to reality when I hear our sorority president say “That includes you too Paige. Since you weren’t here your freshman year.” I look at Millie totally baffled at what I just missed.

  “It’s Mistletoe Madness. The freshmen have less than twenty four hours to find a guy to kiss under the mistletoe in the foyer in front of the senior class. If you don’t do it you have extra dish duty during finals week.” She whispers to me as we sit in our chapter meeting.

  “Oh great.” I whisper back.

  I don’t know why I didn’t call Cutter. I guess it’s because part of me didn’t really know where we totally stood yet and the other part of me was still being willfully defiant. I am content having us exist in private for now. I’m scared that if we are an actual couple that bad things will happen again.

  So instead of calling Cutter to come over and kiss me in the foyer in front of a bunch of older members, I call Tanner. Millie had said that it can just be a kiss on the cheek so I figured that was the easiest thing to do. I also considered not doing it at all, but I really didn’t want to do extra dish duty next week, I needed the all the time I could get to study since I got hardly any done over break.

  When I called Tanner to ask him all I had to say was “Mistletoe Madness” and he knew exactly what I was talking about. I had a sinking suspicion he had done this a few times before. He told me he would be over at eight.

  It was a whole ten minutes past eight o’clock and I was panicking now. I stood in the foyer with a gaggle of girls watching with anticipation of who was going to come over and kiss me.

  I finally hear the front door to the sorority open behind me. I spin around in relief only to find an angry looking Cutter stalking towards me. Oh crap, what is he doing here? Surely someone will stop him if he actually tries to kill me, right?

  “So you thought you were going to kiss someone else, huh?” He growls in a low voice. I’m thankful none of the girls on the stairs can hear him though.

  When he reaches me he grabs me by the hand and leads me so we are squarely underneath the mistletoe. I don’t have time to even think about the ensuing kiss, Cutter
lifts me up in his arms, kissing me hard. I hear a bunch of whooping and hollering coming from the stairs and I know we are making quite the scene. I instantly feel embarrassed.

  I don’t know how long we kiss for. It feels like forever in front of everyone. He finally sets me back on my feet and I can see he is still very much pissed off. He leads me out the front door without giving me the chance to say goodbye to anyone. Shit, he is not going to let this one go, is he?

  “Cutter…” I start but he immediately cuts me off.

  “Don’t!” He snaps at me and continues to drag me down the block towards my house.

  He doesn’t let go of me until we are in my bedroom. He slams the door shut, which makes me jump in surprise. Oh no, you really did it this time Paige. He is totally losing it.

  “Do you want to explain to me why you asked another man to put his lips on you?” He demands.

  “It wasn’t like that. I was just going to peck him on the cheek he is my Big B for craps sake.”

  He spins around facing me now. He gets right up next to me and I can feel his anger radiating off of him.

  “I’m the only one who gets to kiss you. I won’t tolerate you kissing someone else, even if it is just your friend.” Huh, that’s funny since I saw you kissing Laney Davis!

  “Oh really? That’s interesting considering I walked in on you kissing Laney.” I know it’s rude to bring up past shit, but I don’t care right now because he has pissed me off.

  “Really we are back to that?” He growls.

  “Yes, we are back to that. You act like I was going to sleep with Tanner or something. I was merely going to kiss him on the cheek!” I scream.

  “I don’t care if it was on the cheek or on his dick it’s the same thing.” He spits back at me. Oh that’s it. He is being a full on jackass now.

  “Really?”

  “Yes really. These lips belong to me.” He says and smashes his mouth onto mine angrily.