Love & Hate (Book Two: Love) Read online

  “I was worried when you didn’t answer your phone so I came by to check on you. You shouldn’t be home alone Paige.” He says running his hand through the back of his hair.

  “Well I’m fine. I was asleep.” I tell him.

  “Well I got worried. Can I come in?” Say no Paige, say no!

  “Okay.” Stupid girl!

  I move out of the way and let him come inside the house. I turn and start walking toward the kitchen. I think he is going to follow right behind me, but he stops first and locks the door.

  “These doors should always be locked when you are home alone Paige.”

  “Yes, but I’m not alone am I?” I say with snark to my voice. He continues to follow me into the house and into the large living room. I know I’m limping slightly but that can be expected after riding today.

  “You’re limping.” He is watching me; his face is full of worry now. “Sit down Paige. What do you need?” He motions toward the couch.

  “I’m fine, I just overdid. I rode Biz today.” I don’t know why I tell him that, but it feels good to share my huge accomplishment.

  “Wow, that’s awesome!” He says smiling at me.

  “Yeah, Lacey convinced me I could do it and she was right. I have a long way to go but I think if I keep doing it I will get stronger. I know swimming at school has helped me a ton.”

  I notice the once happy smile on Cutter’s face is now a scowl. I realize it is because I inadvertently mentioned Holden.

  “How often are you doing that?” He asks in a low voice.

  “Three times a week, I really enjoy it.” Oh you are playing with fire here girl.

  “I’m sure Holden really enjoys it too.” He growls.

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “Nothing, I’m just saying I’m sure he loves seeing you in your bikini.” He says still with a very dark tone to his voice. I know this is really about Cutter being jealous so I decide I need to just meet this green monster head on.

  “You don’t own me Cutter. I’m allowed to have relationships with other people, you certainly did.” I know I hit below the belt on that one but I was sick of his crap.

  He doesn’t say anything in return he just sits there looking at the ground. “I’m sorry” he says after a long pause.

  “It’s alright. Things are just different now. It will take some getting used to.” I try to ease the tension in the room but I don’t think my statement helped much.

  “I’m glad you’re riding again. Will you tell me about it?” He asks looking at me again with the lightness back in his voice.

  I tell him all about my day at the barn. I tell him about riding The Biz and how great it felt. I tell him how I’m going to have to adjust because I can’t do regular tasks anymore, like saddle my own horse. He listens to me ramble on and he smiles the whole time. He even asks me questions about showing and I tell him all about my hopes of showing again. I had forgotten how easy it is to talk to Cutter. I realize now how much I have missed our friendship.

  I know it’s late but if I’m honest with myself I don’t want Cutter to leave so I hold off as long as possible. Finally at around two in the morning I tell him it’s late.

  “You should get your rest.” He says in return.

  “I’ll walk you out.” I say standing up but my leg is still a little shaky. I don’t lose my balance but its close.

  “Here, let me help you to your room and then I’ll let myself out.” I know I shouldn’t necessarily trust him but for some odd reason I do. After everything that has happened between us I still trust him.

  “Uh…alright.” I say and Cutter helps me down the hall to my room. The minute we enter my room the memories of us in my bed hit me. Two years ago things were so different, we were in love and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I’m broken out of my flashback when Cutter speaks.

  “Get ready for bed. I’ll wait right here for you.” I can tell he sees that my cheeks are red because he smirks at me. I’m sure he knows exactly what I am remembering.

  I go in the bathroom and change into my pajamas, wash my face and brush my teeth. When I come out he stands up and pulls back the covers on my bed. “In you go.” He says.

  I do as he says and snuggle down into my huge bed. “Thanks for hanging out with me.” I tell him.

  He doesn’t respond he just tucks me in and pauses. His face is just inches from mine. Blame it on the memories that we shared in this room but I don’t think about it I just do it, I reach up and pull his lips to mine. He murmurs something but I can’t hear him. I grasp the back of his neck and continue kissing him. Cutter moans and presses me back down into the mattress hard. I run my fingers through his hair exploring him as we kiss. He perches one leg on the side of the bed so he has better access to me. I moan in appreciation.

  We kiss like this for what seems like forever when Cutter finally pulls back from me. “God I want you so badly.” He whispers in my ear.

  I know I should be telling him no. I know I should have some self-control but I don’t. I want him. So I start to pull on the covers, I need to be able to feel his body against mine. He readily complies and he steps away and folds back my comforter. He doesn’t say anything he just stares into my eyes, questioning my decision. I don’t hesitate I spring forward and grasp his shirt pulling him toward me.

  Cutter climbs on top of me pushing me deep into the mattress. He cradles my head between his elbows while he rains down kisses on me. I need him. I want his skin on my skin. It’s like I’m starving and Cutter is the only thing that can fill me up again. I start pulling on his shirt to get him to remove it. It doesn’t take me long to convince him. Once his shirt is gone, I start tugging at my own. He helps me by pulling it gently over my head. I have no bra on and so I’m naked from the waist up. Cutter pauses and his eyes roam my body.

  “You are so beautiful, you know that? I have missed these so damn much.” He leans down and pops one of my engorged nipples into his mouth. I let a loud gasp; apparently I have missed this too.

  I begin to shimmy my way out of my pajama bottoms when Cutter stops and looks at me. “Are you sure? If you aren’t sure don’t take them off baby, because I can’t stop if you do.” He says in the sexiest voice I have ever heard.

  “I’m sure.” I tell him, even though I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. The only thing I do know is that I don’t want him to stop; I want this as much as he does.

  He helps me pull my pants all the way off and does the same with his own. “I’m going to try to go slow. I don’t want to hurt you darling. Just tell me if I do and I’ll stop, okay?” He looks a bit nervous but totally turned on.

  I nod and he reaches over the bed to grab what I know is a condom out of his pants pocket. I watch as he removes it from the package and rolls in on his thick length. I feel like I’m going to burn up from the inside out, I am so worked up.

  Cutter hovers above me and slowly pushes his way inside me. I gasp as my body tries to adjust to his intrusion. I haven’t been with anyone since Cutter, and that was two years ago. I don’t feel pain as he slowly enters me but it is definitely a tight fit. He stops when he finally is all the way in.

  “Look at me baby. I have to see your eyes.” He says and tips my face up to meet his. I can see the love there. All of those old emotions from two years ago are back, I see now they probably never left they were just covered up for a time. I know I feel it too but I don’t want to admit it.

  He starts to move inside me slowly rocking his hips forward in gentle thrusts. It feels nice at first but I feel the burning inside of me and I need him to move faster. I start rocking my hips forward in rhythm with his but he keeps our pace slow. That does nothing for the building fire low in my belly. I can’t find my release and I need it desperately.

  “Please Cutter…” I whine. “I won’t break.”

  He moans at my statement but complies and starts thrusting into me harder. I greedily want more so I moan “harder” in his ear and p
layfully bite his neck.

  That does it. It is like a switch is flipped and Cutter lets loose. He is smashing into me harder and harder. I feel like I’m going to explode and I can’t wait. When I do finally come apart it is amazing. Cutter comes almost immediately after I do but right before he finds his release he whispers in my ear “your mine.” It makes my heart swell inside my chest even though I know it shouldn’t.

  Cutter climbs out of bed and goes into the bathroom to clean up. I’m in total shock at what just happened. I wanted it too but now things are going to be complicated.

  Cutter emerges from the bathroom breaking up my silent freak out.

  “Do you want to stay the night?” I ask him. Smooth Paige!

  He walks over to the bed and climbs in next to me. “Did you think I would leave you?” He tucks my body neatly next to his. “I have missed this so much. I have missed you Paige, more than you will ever know.” He confesses.

  “I have missed you too.” I tell him and close my eyes to fall asleep.

  Before I drift off I hear him whisper “I love you Paige Vandenberg.” That makes my heart beat out of control in my chest. I know I have no right to hope. I know in the light of day things will look differently but in this moment things are utterly perfect. I can feel the broken pieces of my heart slowly trying to mend back together but as they do a thought races through my mind. You better be sure he is trustworthy Paige because you will never survive this twice.

  CHAPTER 19

  I make sure Cutter is out of the house before Lacey gets to the barn or worse surprises us like last time. I could tell he didn’t really want to leave, I think he wanted to talk but I couldn’t. I needed him to get out and fast. There was no way I wanted to deal with Lacey finding us in bed. I would never live that down a second time.

  I shower and put on my barn clothes after I basically kicked Cutter out. I don’t know how I feel about everything that is happening between us now, but I plan to work it out while riding The Biz. He always helps me when I’m confused. Being down at the barn clears my head and makes me feel better about life.

  I pull The Biz from his stall and say hello to Alejandro who is cleaning the next stall over. Lacey is out riding a young loudly colored paint horse who seems to be giving her a fit. As I start brushing down Biz my mind wanders to last night.

  I’m not over Cutter, that much is perfectly clear. I think I will always want him, but I’m not sure what that really means for us. The fact that he was sleeping with Laney bothers me immensely and what if there were others. What if Laney was just one of many in a long string of girls he hooked up with for the past two years? That thought made my stomach turn. I realize that guys and girls are different. Guys can have sex and it means nothing to them but that still doesn’t make it okay. I need to ask Cutter exactly what he was doing these last two years and I know I may not like the answer.

  “Paige, we are all out of grain.” Alejandro says to me from across the aisle way.

  “Oh shoot, okay. How much do we have left?” I ask.

  “Not enough for everyone’s feeding tonight.” He tells me.

  “Alright, I will go pick some up at the feed store after I ride Biz.” I tell him.

  This happens sometimes when Titus and my parents go out of town to the longer horse shows. It’s hard to estimate how much the remaining horses will need. They have it all figured for a full barn but when there is a large chunk of the horses gone sometimes they get there estimations wrong.

  I jump out of my truck and head into the local feed store to pick up some extra grain. It doesn’t take me long to find the type we use at the barn. However, I realize as soon as I look down at the size of the bag I can’t lift it, so I head up to the counter to get help. I should have known better but I forgot that Laney Davis’ family owns the feed store. As I reached the counter I come face to face with Laney herself.

  “Can I help you Paige?” She snarls.

  “Umm… yeah I need two bags of grain but I need help getting them in my truck.” This is so embarrassing.

  “I’ll call one of the guys in the back and have him load it up for you.” She says through her plastered on fake smile.

  “Great. Thanks.” I pull out my wallet so she can ring me up and I can get the heck out of here. She tells me how much it will be and I hand her my card. She swipes it and then hands it back to me with the receipt. Maybe I’m going to get out of here without her being nasty after all.

  I turn to leave and that’s when the other shoe finally drops.

  “You know he can’t possibly love you. Not after the things we did together.” She spits at me.

  Chills run down my back. I can’t hear this, not after what Cutter and I shared the night before. I chose to ignore her and keep walking towards the door.

  “There is no way he could love you after you killed his Dad and ruined his relationship with his brother.” She continued her onslaught.

  I can’t help it I have to say something back to her. I have to defend myself somehow. I stop short of the door and spin around to look her in the face. “He couldn’t possibly love you after what we shared last night.” Her mouth falls open and she looks utterly surprised at my confession. Take that you evil whore!

  I storm out of the store and am happy my grain was already loaded in my truck when I get to it. I take off back towards home totally seething. The nerve of Laney! I need to call Tess and tell her this latest episode with Laney Bitchface Davis.

  “Hey lady!” Tess picks up on the first ring.

  “Hey.” I say still raging.

  “Okay, talk. What happened?” She asks.

  I tell her all about my night with Cutter. She surprisingly understands and doesn’t lecture me too much. I then tell her about my run-in with Laney.

  “I told you she is evil. You need to watch your back with her, she is not nice.” Tess warns me.

  “I know, I know. I just can’t believe she is that hateful.” I tell her.

  “Laney is the worst type of girl. She sees everything as a competition and she will do anything to win. Unfortunately, she sees Cutter as the prize and she will do anything to get him. A girl like that is dangerous. There are no lines she won’t cross.”

  “She’s going to keep coming after him isn’t she?” I know the answer but I need to say it out loud so it sinks in.

  “Yes. She is going to do everything she can to make sure you understand she is the winner in this.” She says with sympathy.

  “I don’t even know how I feel about things with Cutter. We have enough issues just between the two of us; we don’t need her causing more issues.” I say exasperated.

  “I know honey. I suggest you talk to Cutter sooner rather than later so you know where you stand.”

  “Thanks Tess. You always give me the best advice.” I say.

  “No worries. Keep me posted on what’s going on.” She tells me before we say our goodbyes.

  I know the conversation I need to have with Cutter is unavoidable. I also know that it isn’t going to be easy. He called me and said he would be over to my house soon. It was early evening and I just finished making dinner. I turned on the T.V. as an attempt to distract myself. I am nervous. This is going to be a horribly uncomfortable conversation.

  “Paige?” I heard the front door open.

  “I’m in the family room.” I yell back. My house is huge so I don’t really know if he will hear me but I’m too paralyzed with nerves to move.

  “Hey, there you are.” He says smiling at me. He comes over to where I’m sitting on the giant couch and leans over to kiss me.

  I can’t help it, I kiss him back. He bends down further and I pull him by the shirt collar into me. He moans into my mouth and kisses me passionately. I love kissing this man. I think I am addicted to him.

  He finally slows and pulls back from me. “I have missed you all day darling.” He says in his sexy deep voice.

  As I look at Cutter I hear the warning Tess gave me in my head.

&nb
sp; “We need to talk.” Way to just blurt it out Paige!

  He looks stunned. He sits down next to me on the couch and I turn to face him. I open my mouth to start my litany of questions when he says “Paige, I need to say something first.”

  “Uh…okay.” Crapballs what now?

  “I know you are questioning everything between us. It is written all of your face Paige. You forget baby that I know you so well. I get that we need to talk about things, but you need to know I’m not going anywhere. This is my second chance darling and I won’t be screwing things up again.”

  I’m totally thrown off kilter now. I was all ready to launch into my barrage of questions and now I’m totally confused. “I….uh…” Try full sentences Paige.

  Cutter lightly chuckles. “What were you going to ask me darling, before I cut you off?”

  I will my brain to work and stop analyzing his recent confession. “I’m not sure how I feel about things now.” I adjust on the couch sitting up looking straight at him. “I wanted last night, I know that. It’s just that I keep thinking of you with Laney. I keep seeing you with her and its killing me. Then I started thinking about how maybe Laney isn’t the only person you were with these last two years.” I look down now scared of his answer that has yet to come.

  He lets out a deep breath and he reaches over to take my hand in his. “Paige, I won’t lie to you. That is what broke us before and I promise you I will never lie to you again.”

  I know the answer now without him saying a word.

  “Yes, there were others. I went through a really dark time after I came back to school. I was drinking too much and I made some really bad choices. I finally got myself under control about a year ago and I slowed down on the drinking.” He doesn’t say anything after that he just lets his words hang in the air between us.

  “How many?” I can feel myself shaking and I know I’m going to cry.

  “Paige…”

  “How many Cutter? I need to know.”

  “Four maybe five I wasn’t exactly sober for any of it.” He says quietly.