Love & Hate (Book Two: Love) Read online

  I try to pull out of his hold. In the back of my head I know I’m playing with fire but I do it anyway. I’m curious to see what he will do next. He continues to push into my personal space and spins me around so I am facing the bed. He drips kisses down my neck and pushes me against the bed bending me over at the waist.

  As he kisses my neck he pulls on the hem of my shirt and I allow him to lift it over my head leaving me in my black lace bra. He then immediately begins undoing my jeans and dragging them down my legs. I hear him remove a condom from his pocket and unzip his jeans. I know we were just fighting but I am so turned on now I forget what we were even fighting about.

  “Bend over and rest on the bed Paige.” He says in a husky dark tone. I do as he asks and I feel him slam into me from behind without any warning. Oh wow!

  Cutter pulls back and slams into me again. He does this painstakingly slow which makes me incredibly turned on but also agitated by his complete control. I can feel that deep ache inside of me and I know any minute I’m going to burn up.

  “You are mine Paige, I refuse to share you.” He growls into my ear as he pushes inside of me over and over again. His words are my undoing. I come with my chest against the bed and Cutter pushed deep inside of me from behind. He follows right behind me with a dark moan.

  We lay there breathing heavy for a second before he adjusts behind me, slipping back on his jeans. He picks me up by the waist and places me on the bed. Then he hands me my jeans. He doesn’t look at me though and I can tell something is very off. Is he still upset?

  “Cutter is everything okay?” I ask quietly and begin to put on my jeans.

  “I’m sorry” is all he says.

  “What’s wrong? Talk to me.” I’m panicking now.

  “I lose myself with you. I know I shouldn’t be that rough with you but I can’t control it sometimes. Did I hurt you?” He still refuses to look at me.

  “No. You didn’t hurt me at all.” I watch his face intently, waiting for a reaction but none comes. “Cutter, I liked it.” I say softly.

  His head snaps up at my declaration. “I was worried I hurt you.”

  “You didn’t.” I say and jump off the bed and walk up to him wrapping my arms around him. “My body may have been battered and bruised but I promise you I won’t break.”

  He bends down and kisses my forehead. “I don’t deserve you darling, but I refuse to give you up.”

  “Good, I don’t want you to.” I say back to him. “I’m sorry I asked Tanner to kiss me tonight.”

  “Thank you.” He says kissing my forehead again. “At least Tanner knew better and came to tell me what was going on.”

  I pull back and look up at him. “What do you mean Tanner told you?”

  “After you called him, he came and told me. He is smart. He knows what I would have done to him.” He has a mischievous smile plastered on his face now.

  “You are unbelievable!” I say and poke him in the ribs.

  “I wouldn’t start that, if I were you.” He chuckles.

  “Why?” I say taunting him.

  “Because I will win.” He then lifts me up and tosses me on the bed. “I always win, darling.” He tells me and begins to tickle me senseless. He is right, he does always win. I just hope I don’t lose in the process.

  Finals week goes by pretty smoothly. I have a day off between each test which is nice. Unfortunately the price I paid for that is I have a dreaded Friday afternoon final. That means I won’t get to go home until tomorrow morning. Cutter insisted on driving me home even though he was done with his finals on Wednesday afternoon.

  Campus is pretty empty, but there a still a small crowd that has gathered at the local watering hole. I told Cutter I would meet him and some of his frat brothers after I got ready. Millie had gone home for winter break already so the house was lonely. I was all packed up and ready to head home for the holidays.

  As I walk into the bar the music thumps through the speakers. There is about a third of the crowd that is normally here on a Friday night. I look around on the first floor to see if I can spot Cutter, but I don’t see him. I head down stairs to see if I can find him.

  When I reach the bottom step I spot a few of Cutter’s fraternity brothers hanging out at the bar in the corner, but I don’t see him. I scan the crowd looking for him and my heart stops when I find him.

  Cutter is pressed against the back wall and there is a girl with her hand on his chest. They look pretty intense. My heart is beating out of control now. I try to calm down by telling myself it’s not what it looks like. I get up enough courage to walk toward them. I get a few feet from them and I instantly recognize the girl, it’s Laney Davis.

  I stop. My feet are glued to the floor below me. I watch in horror as she leans forward and kisses Cutter on the mouth. My heart feels like it is being ripped from my chest as I watch their kiss. He doesn’t fight her off. He doesn’t even push her back. What a liar! I have to get out of here!

  I start walking backward to leave and smack into a table in the process. A couple beer bottles clatter to the floor. Cutter’s eyes snap up breaking the kiss he is sharing with Laney. His eyes latch on to me and he pushes toward me.

  “Paige, wait!” He screams across the bar. I fly up the steps two at time trying my best to outrun him. I fling open the front door to the bar and storm out into the alleyway. I can’t see well in the darkness and I run smack into something hard. Two large hands grab my shoulders to steady me.

  “Paige, is that you?” Holden says peering back at me.

  “Oh hey Holden, I was just headed home.” I know I’m going to cry so I just want to get home as quickly as possible.

  “Well here, let me walk you. It’s dark out.” He says and places his hand on my back leading me toward my house.

  “Thanks. I’m kind of having a crappy night.” That’s the understatement of the year!

  “I kind of got that from the way you stormed out of the bar.” He tells me.

  “Oh you saw that?” I ask sheepishly.

  “Yeah. Do you want to talk about it?” We reach the back door of my house and we stop under the porch light.

  “No, I don’t think I can.” I say back to him.

  “Does it involve Cutter?” I shake my head yes. He lets out a sigh and says “Paige, it’s none of my business but, I don’t think love is supposed to hurt this much.” He watches my face for my reaction.

  I can’t say anything back because the tears are right there threatening to break loose. He pulls me against his chest and gives me a big hug. Holden holds me so gently it breaks the dam.

  “I don’t know what I was thinking. I should have never trusted him.” I whisper into his chest.

  Holden is just about to answer my rhetorical question when I hear what sounds like a roar. I feel Holden ripped from my arms and then a blur of activity happens. It is Cutter, he must have followed me from the bar. He must have seen Holden hugging me.

  “What the fuck! I told you not to touch her!” Cutter screams as he shoves Holden backwards.

  “And I told you to stop hurting her!” Holden screams and pushes Cutter back.

  “STOP IT BOTH OF YOU!” I don’t even realize I am yelling until the words are out of my mouth. I have now positioned myself in between them.

  “Paige…” Cutter’s voice sounds strained and cracked.

  “No fuck you Cutter! You have no right, not anymore. I want you to leave.”

  “Please don’t do this Paige. We just need to talk.” He pleads.

  “No. We are done. Leave!” I scream at him.

  “Fine, I will give you time but I will be back.” He says and turns to walk away. I can tell he wants to challenge the fact Holden is staying but he knows it will only enrage me more.

  I watch Cutter walk away into the darkness and I let out an exhausted breath that I have been holding in.

  “Do you want me to stay for a bit?” Holden asks concern all over his face.

  “No. I just need to be alone
. Thank you for walking me home.” I give him a halfway smile.

  “Alright, but if you need anything just call me.” He tells me.

  “Thanks but I will be okay.”

  Holden nods and turns to walk away but stops just short of leaving. He half turns toward me and in a low voice says “maybe it’s for the best Paige. I don’t think love is supposed to hurt this much.”

  “Maybe.” I whisper back as Holden too disappears into the darkness of the alley.

  I know Cutter will be back any moment. Most likely he was waiting in the shadows to see if Holden left or came in the house with me. If I wait to leave until morning he will try to catch me before I leave. Heck, he will probably camp outside my house tonight. I have to leave now if I plan to escape him. So I do the only thing I can think of, I grab my bags and jump in my truck to make the six hour trek home. As soon as I turn onto the highway I turn off my cell phone so I won’t be tempted to answer his inevitable phone calls. I am an idiot. I not only fell for his crap once, I fell for it twice. Well Laney Davis can have him because I am done!

  CHAPTER 22

  I drove through the night. My parents were shocked to see me in the wee hours of the morning but were glad I was home safe and sound. I told them I was just homesick and couldn’t sleep so I decided to just drive through the night. They scolded me for not telling them I left Pullman in the middle of the night. I was just relieved to be home. I knew Cutter wouldn’t dare come over to my house and risk upsetting me with my parents here.

  I haven’t talked to him. I refused to take his calls, and there was a ton of them. He sends text messages practically every day begging me to talk to him but, I just ignore them. He played me for a fool once again. I will never let him do that to me again, this time Cutter Daniels has truly broken me.

  I know Lacey and Jasper suspect something is up with me but I refuse to tell them what has happened. The only person I have told is Tess. I called her the night I drove home. She stayed on the phone with me for almost two hours calming me down. Tess came home just a few days after I did, which has been my only saving grace. We have been going on long walks every day since we have been home. Tess listens while I vent and rage about Cutter. She has also been there for those days when I can barely get out of bed to do anything. She is more than just a best friend she has become my therapist. I know I owe any shred of sanity I have left to her.

  It’s now the day after Christmas and my parents left for our house in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. We always leave the day after Christmas to spend some time skiing and having family time. Not that in the last two years I have been able to ski but I do enjoy going and watching the snow fall while sitting next to the fire. But I couldn’t do that this year, I needed space and time to think. I told my parents I didn’t want to go this year and surprisingly they allowed me to stay at home.

  I need this time to grieve and process what happened between Cutter and me. The best place for me to do that is at the barn. I know the minute I get in the saddle I will feel more like myself again. I haven’t ridden since I came home because I haven’t been feeling the best. I think I have the flu or something. I have been sick to my stomach for days but it comes and goes in waves.

  I’m currently having one of those waves now. I have my head hanging over the toilet attempting to puke when I hear Tess come in my room. Tess is going to stay a few days with me while my parents are gone.

  “Hey lady.” She says and comes to an abrupt stop when she sees what I’m doing.

  “Hey.” I say looking a bit green.

  “What’s wrong? You still feeling sick?” Tess comes into the bathroom and leans against the countertop.

  I nod my head in response and will myself not to vomit. “It comes and goes.” I tell her.

  “When did this start?”

  “Uh…late last week sometime. I think it’s the flu.”

  Tess just keeps staring at me with concern showing in her face. “Paige, do you think you could be pregnant?”

  I stare into the toilet in shock at her question. I can’t be pregnant. Cutter and I used protection. Oh crap except that time in the shower and the time right before that! Shit!

  “Okay don’t panic. I’ll go get you a test. You stay here.” I love Tess. She didn’t even need me to answer her question she read it in my face.

  It takes Tess all of fifteen minutes to drive to the store and return with a pregnancy test. Actually, she returned with three different brands. I peed on all three sticks and we are anxiously awaiting the results. I feel sick. I am probably going to puke again, this may or may not be just from the anxiety. I totally puked after Tess left to go to the store.

  “Okay its time.” Tess says to me.

  “Alright.” We both walk in the bathroom and peer down on the counter at the white sticks. FML, its official I’m pregnant. What in the hell am I going to do now?

  I sink to my feet and cry on the cold tile floor of the bathroom. Tess holds my while I bawl and scream. She tells me it will be okay, but I know it won’t be. I am pregnant and the father of my baby is a complete liar. My life is now forever changed. My parents are going to be so disappointed in me. I have ruined everything!

  “When are you going to tell Cutter?” Tess asks me after a long time.

  “I don’t know. I can’t deal with that now.” I tell her in a hollow voice.

  “You have to tell him Paige.” She states sternly.

  “I know, I know. I just can’t right now.” I say exhausted.

  “Okay.” She gives me a large hug. “I’m here for you. I’ll be here every step of the way.” This makes me breakdown again. I have no idea what I am going to do. I’m not ready to be a Mom, I’m just a kid myself.

  I’m pretty sure I sleep for two days straight. Tess has stayed with me the whole time. She makes sure I eat at least once a day and that I take a shower. I spend most of my time in my bed thinking or sleeping. Many times I just stare out into space for hours thinking about how much my life has changed in two years.

  Tess stays out in the giant family room most of the time. She has been on the phone a lot and I hear her arguing sometimes, I don’t know who with though. I know something is going on with her but I can’t get past my own issues to ask her what is wrong. I realize I’m being a crappy friend but for some reason I just can’t help it.

  As I lay in bed my mind wonders for hours thinking about Cutter and what has happened between us. I think back to all the happy times and I know I love him. If I’m honest with myself I never stopped loving him, even when I thought he left me after my accident. But that doesn’t change the fact, he lied to me. It doesn’t change the fact he had kissed Laney Slutbag Davis after he swore he didn’t want her. I can’t trust him with my heart. I know that now.

  “Paige? Did you hear me?” Tess drags me out of my head and back to reality. We are on the couch watching a movie. She had finally gotten me out of my room under the guise of washing my sheets. I was currently counting down the time until the dryer was done and I could return to my room. I think this stupid movie is supposed to be funny but I haven’t really been paying attention.

  “Huh?”

  “I asked you if you have given anymore thought to telling Cutter.” She says looking over at me.

  “No.” I say in defeat.

  “I think you should do it sooner rather than later.”

  “I know.”

  “Look, I get that he is a shithead and broke your heart, but he still needs to know. It is not fair to keep this from him. I think he would want to know.”

  I hadn’t really considered that. I was too busy thinking about how I was feeling I didn’t really think if Cutter would care or not. I know Tess is right though. Cutter is the type of guy who would care.

  I know what I have to do now. I stand up and grab my keys from the kitchen counter. “Let’s go.” I tell her.

  “Where are we going?” She says wide eyed.

  “Well, it’s Saturday night. There is bound to be a river par
ty somewhere and I’m sure Cutter will be there.”

  “Okay, but I’m driving” she says grabbing my keys from my hand.

  As we drive down the long gravel road to the river bar I can see the glow of the bonfire. I knew there would be a party going on, it wasn’t difficult to spot from the bridge as we entered town. Tess parks the truck amongst the rows of other vehicles and we climb out.

  “You sure you okay with this? You know you could just call him.” She says.

  “I know, but I feel like I need to do this now.” I say confidently and start walking toward the party.

  There is a fairly large crowd at the party, probably because everyone is home from school. I spot Lacey and Jasper across the way. I make my way toward them.

  “Hey Paige. Long time no see.” Jasper says wrapping me in a giant bear hug.

  “Hey Jasp, sorry I haven’t come to see you. I have been sick lately. Have you guys seen Cutter tonight?” I ask them.

  “No, I don’t think he is here.” Jasper says looking at me worried.

  “Alright. Thanks.” I say and turn to walk away. Tess follows behind me.

  “You going to leave? You just got here.” Jasp whines as he realizes we are leaving.

  “Sorry guys, I still don’t feel the best. I was just looking for Cutter.” I don’t give Jasper or Lacey time to ask me anymore questions; I just start walking away from the group.

  “What do you want to do now?” Tess asks as we walk back toward the cars.

  “I guess let’s just go home. This was a stupid idea anyway. I’ll just call him tomorrow.” I say.

  “Alright.” Tess replies as we walk through the crowd of people.

  “You have some nerve showing up here, you Bitch!” Oh crap, what now?

  I hear what sounds like shuffling behind me. I turn my head just in time to see Laney running full speed towards me. Tess jumps in front of me and outstretches her arm to block Laney from hitting me, but it’s no use. Laney crashes into us and I slam into the ground. My face scrapes across the rocks, which I’m sure will leave marks later.