Love & Hate (Book Two: Love) Read online

  “Thanks for coming with me tonight, Paige.” He beams.

  “I had a really wonderful time Holden. Thank you for inviting me.”

  “It’s still early, do you want to go home or would you like to come over to my house for a while?” Oh geez. What do I do?

  “Oh uh…”

  “No pressure. I just thought since Millie didn’t really want you to come home until late we could kill sometime at my house.” Damn Millie!

  “Okay, sounds good to me.”

  “Great.”

  I watch Holden run around the front of the car and hop inside next to me. We pull out of the parking space and out of the corner of my eye I notice something reflected in the side mirror. I catch a stoned-faced Cutter Daniels standing in the darkness watching our car move away from him. His hands are fisted at his sides and his shoulders are bowed forward in anger. My mind begins racing, wondering if he had heard Holden and me talking. Did he hear Holden invite me back to his house? And worse did he hear me agree to go home with him? A heavy pang of guilt washes over me as I watch the landscape outside stream by. I’m at an important crossroads here and if I choose poorly there will be no going back.

  Holden’s house is your typical frat live-out. The living room is scattered with random items and empty beer bottles. It looks like they found their furniture at a garbage dump. The couch is a hideous floral pattern that I swear my Grandma had in her house at one point in time. There is a couple reclining chairs in the corner that literally have duct tape holding them together. But the topper is on the coffee table where there is a plethora of nudy magazines.

  “Nice reading material.”

  “Sorry. I didn’t really think this out I guess.” Holden is a lovely shade of maroon.

  “Hey I get it; this is a house full of boys. I will consider myself lucky if that is the weirdest thing I see.”

  Holden lets out a laugh. “Yeah that is true. Do you want to see my room?”

  “Uh sure.”

  We climb the old wooden staircase to the second floor of the house. When we reach the top I notice there are only two doors. Holden takes out his keys and opens the door. He steps out of the way to let me go in his room first. What I see shocks me.

  Holden’s room is nothing like the rest of the messy house. His room is like an oasis in a desert. His bed is huge; it takes up the majority of the room. It is framed by a beautiful black leather headboard and it is made up in dark charcoal bedding. The walls are painted a light gray adding to the beauty of the bedding. Across from the bed is a wonderful desk that looks like something a lawyer would have in their office. Holden’s room is immaculate; there is nothing out of place.

  “Wow.” I mutter as I take in my surroundings.

  “Not what you were expecting?” Holden follows me inside his room and quietly shuts the door. Maybe that should have scared me, but I was too engrossed in the splendor of the room to care.

  “Definitely not what I was expecting.”

  “Well I’m glad you like it.” He grins at me.

  “I’m impressed. I’ll be honest I was a little curious at what I would find in here after seeing downstairs.”

  “Yeah I bet. Do you want to watch some T.V.?”

  I hadn’t even noticed the sleek large television mounted on the wall across from his bed. “Um sure.” Oh crap that leaves only one option for where we will be sitting.

  “Cool. I’m just going to run downstairs and grab my phone charger. Make yourself at home.” Holden says as he motions toward his huge and intimidating bed.

  I kick off my shoes and stack up some pillows against his headboard. I climb onto his bed and sink deep into the fluffy mattress.

  Holden is back in record time. He plugs in his charger and flops down on the bed next to me.

  “What do you want to watch?” He leans back and folds his arms behind his head.

  “Oh whatever is fine with me.” My nerves are totally starting to kick in.

  “Seinfeld?” He asks with his eyebrow cocked up.

  “Sure. I love Seinfeld.” It’s true, I do love Seinfeld, who doesn’t right?

  It’s a few minutes into the episode where Elaine admits to Jerry she has faked it with him. It is seriously one of the best episodes. I begin laughing and Holden does too.

  Through our laughter Holden turns to me. “Is that a legit thing?”

  “What?” I ask still cracking up.

  “Do women really fake it? I know that is probably asking you to break girl code or whatever but I’m curious.”

  “Oh…I don’t really know.” I blurt out. Nice Paige! Why didn’t you just say yes?

  “Sure.” He taunts.

  “No really, I have no idea.” I know I need to stop but some part of me wants Holden to know I’m not really experienced.

  “Really?” He is serious now.

  “Yeah, I have only been with one guy before.” I say staring down at the beautiful dark gray bedspread.

  “Your ex?”

  “Yes.” I don’t look at him I just keep running my hand over the comforter.

  I’m startled when Holden’s long fingers lock over the top of my hand, stilling it. “Paige, I don’t know where this is going, but I want you to know I like you and I want you to always feel safe telling me things. I promise you I won’t judge you.”

  I look up into his kind warm eyes and I feel a small flutter in the pit of my stomach. “I like you too Holden.”

  “Can I kiss you?” Whoa weird. I have never had a guy ask me if they can kiss me before. Well that is polite of him.

  “Yes.” I say quietly.

  Holden reaches over and softly cups my face turning me toward him. He stares deeply into my eyes and he softly touches his lips to mine. It is nice. He is gentle and slow. I part my mouth ever so slightly to allow him to deepen our kiss and he does. I let out a low moan and I feel Holden shift his weight over me. He slips his tongue inside of my mouth and I begin to pull at his shirt collar. I’m surprised at myself at how I am reacting to Holden, but then again it has been almost two years since I had any real action. I’m pretty sure in most countries I was a born again virgin.

  I feel Holden shift above me again and this time he slips his hand under my shirt. I’m caught off guard at first but then I begin to relish his touch. Holden pushes my shirt further up my chest and begins to lightly palm my breast. I know it’s stupid and I know it is the worst thing I could do but in that moment my mind drifts to Cutter. I immediately begin to compare how Holden is touching me to how Cutter used to. I pull back from Holden.

  “I’m sorry.” I say as soon as I’m free of his wondering hand.

  “No I’m sorry, I was going too fast.” He says sheepishly.

  “No it’s okay.” I try to make things less awkward but fail. Neither one of us says anything for a long while.

  “I should probably walk you home huh?”

  “Yeah, I need to be getting home.”

  “Alright.”

  Holden walks me to my front porch. We stop there and the awkwardness is still very much present between us.

  “I had a good time tonight.” I say trying to ease the tension.

  “Me too.” He says with a small smile.

  “Well goodnight.” I turn to go inside the house.

  “Paige…” Holden stops me.

  “Yeah?” I turn around to look back at him and notice how serious he looks.

  “I can’t compete with your past, so if you aren’t over him you need to let me know now.”

  He doesn’t wait for me to answer he just turns and walks off. Shit, I’m an asshole. How did he know I was thinking of Cutter while we were making out?

  CHAPTER 8

  It’s been a few days since my date with Holden. I still feel bad about how things ended. I do like Holden but if I’m brutally honest with myself I am not over Cutter. The thing is that I may never be over Cutter, I understand that now. It doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings for Holden or that I don’t want to try
to explore those feelings, it just means that I accept Cutter may always haunt my heart. As Tess told me right after my accident “Part of your soul will probably always seek Cutter’s but that doesn’t mean it was meant to be.” I finally get what she was trying to tell me.

  It’s Thursday and it is the day I usually swim with Holden. Even though I haven’t spoken to him yet this week I decided I will go to the pool anyway. As I pull into the recreational center parking lot I see Holden’s SUV and I breathe a little sigh of relief, knowing he didn’t stand me up for our swim date. I walk through the row of cars and I notice in the front is that dreaded black truck I have come to avoid. Cutter must be in the rec center working out. I quickly walk past the truck and head towards the pool. I’m thankful when I make it to the ladies locker room without running into him.

  “Hi Paige, jump on in so we can start on our laps.” Holden yells from across the pool.

  “Hi.” I say and wade into the shallow end of the pool. The lukewarm water hits me and shivers cover my body. I dip low in the pool and try to quickly acclimate myself to the temperature.

  I begin to swim my laps back and forth. When I first started swimming I was slow and could barely do four laps in a row, now I can do almost fifteen without stopping. I know the swimming is making my back stronger, I can feel it every day. I don’t stumble or fall from weakness as much. I still have my occasional issue, but for the most part I have seen a huge improvement. Swimming has also given me an outlet. It helps me have some personal reflection time. Riding use to do that for me, now I have swimming and I am thankful for that.

  “Great Paige, two more and then go change and we will head into the gym to work with the weights.”

  I watch as Holden climbs out of the pool letting the beads of water run down his perfectly chiseled body. He shakes out his hair like a dog would and steals a glance back at me. He catches me watching him and gives me a sexy grin. Shit, totally busted!

  “Alright lie on your back and lift the bar straight over your chest. I will be right here to spot you.”

  I do as Holden instructed me and lie down on the bench lifting the bar up and down on my chest. It is hard for me but not painful. I do this several more times before Holden stops me.

  “Alright let’s try some leg weights.”

  I follow Holden over to an odd looking machine. He shows me how to sit down and use the machine to squeeze my thighs together. It’s kind of embarrassing to be sitting in this contraption with my legs spread apart and Holden watching me. He must think so too because I noticed something in his face change as he watches me.

  I do several reps on the leg machine before Holden tells me that I have done enough for the day.

  “I’m impressed Paige. I think you are doing phenomenally well considering your injury.” Holden is practically beaming as we walk toward the locker rooms.

  “Thanks. I really feel like I’m getting stronger.”

  “I can see that you are.” He says through a sexy grin. “Go grab your stuff and I’ll meet you out here.”

  “Okay, be right out.” I tell him.

  It only takes me a few minutes to grab my stuff out of my locker and I meet Holden outside.

  “You all set?” He asks holding his gym bag.

  “Yup.”

  We walk out to the parking lot. It is dark now. I got to the rec center around five but it is well past seven now. The parking lot is lit only by the low glow of street lamps. As we walk toward my truck I notice that Cutter’s truck is still there. I am glad I didn’t run into him tonight. That could have been very awkward and I didn’t want to confuse things with Holden and me any more than they already were.

  “Thanks for walking me to my truck.” I tell Holden as I toss my gym bag in the passenger side.

  “No problem, it gives me an excuse to spend more time with you.” Oh shoot this guy is seriously too sweet.

  “I like spending time with you too Holden.” I don’t really know why I confessed that to him but it seemed like the right thing to say at the time.

  Holden must appreciate my confession because he gently glides toward me staring intently into my eyes. “I’m glad Paige, because I plan on spending a lot of time with you.” He lightly brushes a rogue strand of hair that has blown in my face out of the way and kisses me tenderly.

  Holden’s kisses are always different and unique. Sometimes they are gentle and sweet like this one but other times they are passion filled and hungry. With Cutter it was always just raw and explosive. It is nice experiencing these differences.

  We kiss for a few minutes before Holden breaks off our intimate interaction. “I better let you get home.”

  “Yeah, it is late. Thanks for the therapy sesh.” We had named our pool and gym time my therapy session because in many ways it was exactly that, I was healing mind and body.

  “Goodnight Paige.”

  “Night.”

  I watch Holden walk toward his SUV, which is parked several rows away. I am just about to get in the driver side of my truck when I see him. He is standing next to his truck watching me with a look of pure rage. Just like the other night his back and shoulders are bowed forward, making him look terrifying. His face is dark and doesn’t even resemble the person I once loved. Oh shitballs, I need to get out of here and fast!

  I quickly get in and start up my truck, heading toward home. The drive from the rec center to my house is pretty short, maybe five minutes at the most. The entire drive I can’t shake the image of Cutter standing in the parking lot watching me. I know he saw me kissing Holden. Part of me is glad. I want him to know that I am moving on, but the other part of me feels the pain that was all over his face.

  I pull into my driveway and see a pair of headlights pull in behind me. I say a silent prayer that it is Millie just now getting home but I know deep down that it is him. I don’t immediately get out of the truck; I try to steady myself for the conversation that is coming.

  I get out of the truck and dig around my purse to find my keys. I don’t look up when I hear his door slam shut. I slowly count to ten in my head, reminding myself to remain calm no matter what is said.

  I find my key and walk toward the front door. I don’t look at him I just keep moving. “Are you stalking me now Cutter?” Damn it Paige, what happened to remaining calm?

  “So what if I am?” He growls in a low tone.

  I make a half grunt, half gasp noise at his response and open my front door. I attempt to shut it in his face but his large foot stops the door hard sending it flying back banging into the wall. Cutter pushes forward into the house in one large step, coming chest to chest with me. I hurriedly step backward trying to put distance between us.

  “What do you want Cutter.” My voice is a bit shaky but I try to act brave. I’m not scared of Cutter physically. I know he would never lay a hand on me, but that doesn’t mean he can’t shred the remaining bits of my heart.

  “I saw you tonight Paige. I saw you with him.” His face still is dark and his body is still tense with anger. Looking at him sends a shiver down my back.

  “So?” Oh you’re asking for it now.

  “What are you doing?”

  “What do you mean? Why am I swimming with Holden? Simple really, I am working on getting my strength back in my leg.” Avoidance has never worked with him in the past it only makes him angrier.

  “Cut the shit Page, what are you doing with him?”

  “Oh you mean why was I making out with Holden?” Stupid, stupid girl.

  “YES!” He shouts stalking forward backing me up against the large leather recliner in the living room.

  “Well let’s see… he is nice to me, he treats me well, he cares about me and oh yeah he has doesn’t lie to me!” I hope your happy now because shit has now officially hit the fan.

  Cutter lets out a rough and staggered breathe which shocks me; I thought he would have raged after my confession.

  “Are you sleeping with him?” He scrubs his hands over his face now as if
he is so tired he can barely stay awake.

  “Excuse you. That is absolutely none of your business.”

  “Are you?”

  He clearly could give a shit less if he is crossing a boundary with me now.

  “I’m not going to answer that.”

  “So you are?”

  “No… look it’s none of your business Cutter, just like it’s not any of my business if you’re sleeping with Laney.”

  “Do you want it to be your business?”

  “What? No. I’m just saying that we have both moved on.”

  “Have we?” His eyebrows are cocked up daring me to lie.

  It’s my time to let out a long labored breath. “Seriously Cutter, what do you want from me?”

  “I want an answer Paige. Have you moved on?”

  “I’m trying to.” I don’t even think before I speak I just let the words tumble out of my mouth.

  He doesn’t respond, instead he nods once and turns to leave.

  “That’s it? You barge in here demanding answers and then when you get them you just leave?

  He stops but refuses to turn around to face me. “Don’t sleep with him Paige, you’re not ready.” Who in the hell does he think he is?

  “Thanks for your concern but I think I can decide that for myself.”

  He doesn’t reply; instead he just walks out the front door leaving it open. I hear him start up his truck and crank the radio. Puddle of Mudd’s Blurry blares from the speakers so loudly I can clearly hear every word. I stand in the doorway watching him. What I see as I stand on the front porch surprises me. Cutter has his hands draped over the steering wheel and he is resting his head on the top of it. Watching him I feel horrible about our heated exchanged. I take a step toward the truck, thinking I should talk to him, but as if he can read my mind he throws the truck in reverse and speeds down the street. As I watch the tail lights of his truck fade in the distance, a cold realization settles over me. Cutter is just as broken as I am, maybe even more.

  CHAPTER 9

  “Happy birthday P!” Millie is jumping on the side of my bed excitedly.