Love & Hate (Book Two: Love) Read online

  We sat and talked for a long time. I asked her about Brooks and she was her non-committal self. I love Millie, she is such a free spirit. She doesn’t take life too serious which is inspiring. I need to be more like her. She sits with me until the meds kick in and I drift off to sleep.

  CHAPTER 4

  I dream of him. It started in the hospital after the accident. I dreamed of that awful night and that he was there holding my hand in the ditch while I lay crushed and bleeding. That is the most re-occurring one, but there are others too. Sometimes I dream he was at the hospital with me holding my hand telling me he loved me when I was unconscious and other times I dream of him being in the ambulance with me. It’s a lot of just bits and pieces really but it’s always enough to leave me feeling hollow in the morning.

  When I wake up I can tell I basically cried myself to sleep because my eyes are all swollen and my nose is all stuffed up. I can’t believe I got myself in that situation last night. I know better than to not carry my cell phone. I also know better than to try to walk home across campus with my injury. How humiliating to have Cutter see me limping so badly and know that I would never have been able to make it home if he hadn’t have given me a ride. That was the last way I wanted to start my new life at school.

  It’s Sunday before school starts and I know I should get to work and start reading for classes but I just don’t have it in me today. If I was at home I would go spend some time The Biz, but here I have no place of refuge. That needed to change, and fast.

  After Millie and I ate breakfast and watched T.V. for several hours together we decided to head up to the library to get a head start on our reading for classes. We studied for most of the day. I finished my reading first. Millie said she had about an hour left so I told her I was going to go sit outside and soak up the sun. She said she would find me when she was done and then we could go home.

  I chose to sit in my old favorite spot across from the bookstore in the grass under the trees. It felt good being back in my old spot watching the hustle and bustle of college life. It completely entertained me to watch all the people coming and going from campus back to Greek row. Some people I recognized, but for the most part they were all new faces. It made me a bit sad thinking of how much time I had lost because of my accident. I thought of Millie and how many people she knows around campus now. I know that I’ll meet more people this year but it still hurts knowing that I was behind my classmates socially and academically.

  I’m lounging lazily in the grass with my sunglasses on when I hear someone approach me. I assume it’s Millie so I spin around ready to grab my stuff and go.

  “Hey Paige.” It’s Laney Davis. Great just who I don’t want to see. This could only be made worse if Cutter was with her.

  “Hi Laney.” I reply politely.

  “It’s really good to see you back at school since your accident.” She tells me.

  “Thanks it feels good to be back.” I just want her to go away but I have a gut instinct our conversation isn’t even close to being over.

  “Well I think it’s just amazing you are brave enough to come back to school. I mean I think most people would have just given up.”

  “Uh yea thanks.” Is she purposefully trying to be a bitch to me?

  “I know it must be hard for you with your injuries walking around campus. I saw you limp the other day.” Well thanks for pointing that out Captain Obvious.

  “I manage.” I say pointedly.

  “It also must be hard seeing Cutter.” Oh hell, here we go.

  “Not really.” I lie.

  “Well I know this whole thing has been really hard on him and I know it upsets him to see you here.” Okay, yup we are purposefully trying to be a bitch.

  “What’s your point Laney?” I’m done being polite.

  “I just don’t like seeing Cutter upset is all and so I was thinking it’s probably best if you two kept your distance from each other.” Okay now I get why Tess calls her Laney Bitchface Davis.

  I could stand up and just walk away but after the night I had I really don’t care if she stands here and harasses me. Yesterday I was weak but today I am made of steel. “Well, that won’t be a problem on my end. I don’t want anything to do with your boyfriend.”

  “Well great then, we have an understanding.” She says with a fake smile on her face.

  “Yup we sure do.” I say back to her with a sneer.

  She turns to walk away and I reach in my purse to call Tess. I know she is going to flip out when I tell her this latest tale of Laney Davis.

  I talked to Tess until Millie tracked me down to go home. Tess was laughing and screaming in the phone at the edacity of Laney. I thought it was super fun hearing Tess get so worked up over her. I see it now, why Tess dislikes Laney. She has an uncanny ability to be completely rude all while having a smile on her face and pretending to be polite. I know now she is cunning and manipulative. I will forever watch my back around her because she is definitely a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

  Mills and I hung out all day. We got our binders ready for classes and organized our study materials. I know it sounds totally nerdy but I love doing that stuff. It gives me a sense of satisfaction to have all my stuff prepared before classes start.

  The day turns out to not be as bad as I first expected after waking up from my dream. I seemed to have been able to tuck my emotions away and concentrate on other things for a change. I was thankful for that.

  It’s a little after midnight and I’m getting ready for bed when I hear my phone ding letting me know I have text. I go to check it and immediately drop it as if it’s scalding my hands. It’s Cutter.

  Meet me outside in a few minutes. I will be in the alley.

  I don’t know how to respond to that. I want to tell him to screw off but then part of me is curious as to what he wants. I think maybe I should wake Millie to get her advice but I don’t want to disturb her. I decide I should go so that I can see what he wants and if I don’t like what he says I’ll just come back inside. This is a test and I will pass it this time!

  Next to my room is the sliding glass door to the back patio. It really is just a cement slab in the middle of an ally but I like to think of it as a patio. I slip outside threw the slider and instantly I’m aware I’m only wearing my silk camisole and matching silk boxer shorts. The heat from the day has definitely worn off and there is a chill in the air now. I turn to go back inside and grab a sweatshirt but I’m interrupted.

  “Hey Paige.” He is dressed in a dark hoodie and jeans with leather flip flops. He has his favorite camo Seahawks hat on so I can barely see his face.

  “You summoned?” I’m being rude but I think I have a right after everything that has happened.

  “Yeah, can we talk a minute?”

  “About?” I can tell he is aware I am agitated by my clipped responses.

  “I just wanted to say I’m sorry again for everything.”

  “Yeah I know, you told me last night.”

  “I know, it’s just I feel really bad about everything that happened and now seeing you it is even harder.” Well good to know you are only coming to say sorry out of guilt.

  “Look Cutter, its fine. I’m doing fine.”

  He glares at me. “No you’re not. You are mess Paige. You forget you can’t lie to me I know you too well.”

  “Correction, you knew me. You don’t know me anymore Cutter. If you came over here just to attempt to get rid of some guilt you can save it. I’m full up on pity. I don’t need or want yours.”

  “I don’t… I’m not…” He lets out a long sigh. “I just need to know you’re okay.”

  “I’m great, you don’t need to come check up on me.” I tell him. “Plus I don’t need your girlfriend giving me another lecture.” Oh crap, I wasn’t supposed to say that last part, damn word vomit.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Paige.” He says in a low growl.

  “Well it seems
that your girlfriend thinks my presence upsets your delicate self so she would like me to keep my distance from you.”

  He doesn’t really respond just lets out a stream of curse words and then starts pacing back and forth.

  “It’s fine. I told her it wouldn’t be a problem.”

  “Stop saying its fine! It’s not fine. Laney had no business talking to you like that. I’m sorry. I will make sure it won’t happen again.”

  “It’s…” He is glaring at me almost daring me to say its fine. “Okay.” I say instead.

  There is an awkward silence that falls between us after that. I don’t know how to really end the conversation and it appears neither does he. After a long break he finally looks at me.

  “Do you know what I am most sorry about?”

  “What?” I know I shouldn’t ask him. I know the answer will hurt, the look in his eyes told me I am not equipped to deal with this confession but I’m too curious.

  “I’m most sorry that you lost your riding career. I know how much competing meant to you.”

  His words hit me. I can feel my emotions splintering inside me. I don’t want to cry in front of him so I don’t respond and just nod instead. I know he understands my pride won’t let me fall apart in front of him and he doesn’t push the conversation further. With the rawness now hanging in the air he turns and walks away into the darkness. I stand there staring after him for a long while rerunning the conversation in my head. I know I’m not over him and I know that I probably never will be. There has been too much that has happened between us for me to just forget. I may move on but I will never forget. He will forever be the one that haunts me in my dreams.

  CHAPTER 5

  School started and things fell into a steady rhythm. It’s now the end of September and so far I enjoy all my classes. I totally love my real estate law class that I have on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. I even have a philosophy class with Tanner, which is fun. We of course sit next to each other and he keeps me laughing the entire time. I am a little worried my grade is going to suffer because I am too distracted to concentrate on the professor. I guess that means I’ll just have to do extra work outside of class. I’m madly trying to finish my homework for real estate law when Millie comes into my room. I know she is going to harass me about going on the social cruise in Couer d’Alene this weekend.

  “Hey P.”

  “Hey Mills what’s up?”

  “So have you thought more about the cruise?”

  “I don’t have a date Mills. I’m not going to go.”

  “Well what if I told you I found you a date?”

  “Uh… what?”

  “So I was telling Brooks that I was bummed that you aren’t going because you didn’t have a date and he suggested Holden go with you. He asked him and Holden said he would love to. So ta da you have a date!”

  “Oh my God Millie I’m going to kill you. I am not going. I didn’t order shirts or anything.” Sororities have a weird obsession to mark every social occasion with themed shirts. It’s odd but I enjoy having all the extra cute shirts.

  “Well, that’s the best news. As social chair, I ordered extra just in case something like this would happen. So you really have no excuse.” She looks at me with a total gotcha grin.

  “FINE.” I growl.

  “Great! I will go call Brooks and tell him to tell Holden. This is going to be fun P, just you wait and see.” For some odd reason I didn’t believe Mills. I wasn’t nervous about spending time with Holden. Since he is our neighbor I run into him lots and he is always easy to chat with. It was something else that was causing my uneasiness.

  I was surprisingly having an amazing time on the cruise, even though Millie strategically left out that we were sharing a boat with Chi Sigma Rho. I did have to admit I enjoyed having Tanner on the cruise to entertain us with stories of his drunken date. But for as much fun Tanner was providing it didn’t stop me from feeling apprehensive every time someone came to the upper deck. I had seen Cutter and Laney when I first got on board but since then I have successfully avoided them by staying up above on the top deck. I was also having a shockingly good time with Holden. He is easy to be around and he is so funny. He also isn’t bad to look at which always helps. We have been chatting for hours and it feels completely natural.

  “So I hope you don’t mind but Millie told me about your accident.” I swallowed hard. I didn’t care that Millie told him, I would have eventually got around to it. I just didn’t know if now was the right time.

  “No it’s okay, I don’t mind.”

  “So you had back surgery huh?”

  “Yeah I couple of times. This last one seemed to have worked the best. I still have numbness in my left leg but it’s better than it initially was.”

  “Wow that must have been really difficult to deal with.”

  “It was at first but after a while it became the new normal and I learned to live with it.”

  “Millie said you ride horses. Are you still able to do that after your accident?”

  I look down. I know he is just curious but this is the part of this conversation I hate most because it’s the part that hurts the most. “No I can no longer ride. I have tried a few times since my last surgery and I can do it if I just take it easy, but I will never compete again.”

  “I’m sorry.” He says sincerely.

  “It’s alright, I have accepted it.”

  “I don’t know if I have told you but I’m going to school to be a physical therapist and I actually work part-time as a therapy assistant for the sports teams here at school. If you ever wanted to come use the private pool, I could get you access.”

  “Oh that’s really nice but I have done a ton of physical therapy and it hasn’t really improved me much.”

  “Have you tried swimming?”

  “No.” I admit.

  “Swimming is low impact on the back but it has the ability to really strengthen the core muscles. Think about it, if you want to try it just let me know.”

  “Thanks I will.” I like Holden. He is a very genuine person. At first glance he looks like just your typical gorgeous frat guy that likes to party but after getting to know him I see that he is the polar opposite of that. I’m actually considering trying his swimming idea.

  Holden and I continue to chat on the upper deck as the sun sets on Lake Coeur D’Alene. The beautiful oranges and pinks streak across the sky and I lean against the railing admiring it. I should have seen it coming but I didn’t, I guess I’m out of practice. It makes sense we have been chatting forever and now we are having a somewhat romantic moment. Holden reaches up and lightly touches my cheek so I turn toward him and he kisses me. It’s a slow kiss but it’s lovely. His lips are soft and he isn’t intrusive, he is gentle. I kiss him back relishing in the tender moment between us. I haven’t kissed anyone since Cutter and I didn’t think I would ever enjoy kissing anyone else. I guess that is why I’m so shocked that I feel a small spark while Holden kisses me. I decide to explore this feeling more and I lean into him deepening our connection. I should have known things were going too good.

  I don’t even hear him coming. I just feel Holden get ripped from me and pushed backwards. I open my eyes to see Cutter throw a punch and it connect with Holden’s face.

  “Cutter stop it!” I scream as I grab at his shirt.

  “Don’t you fucking touch her!” Cutter barks at Holden as he lands another blow to his face. Holden steadies himself and then swings at Cutter hitting him in the side of the face. This unleashes the rage in Cutter and he explodes.

  “No one touches her, but me. Do you understand me?” He is raining punch after punch down on Holden, but to Holden’s credit he is getting some good licks in as well.

  This has got to stop so I do the only thing I can think of and lunge at Cutter’s back hoping to pry him off Holden. That was a very bad idea. I meet Cutter’s momentum with my own and go flying backward and land flat on my back.

  “Oh God Paige! Are you ok
ay?” It’s Millie. She just caught the tail end of the fight as she came up the stairs.

  I can only groan in response. The pain that is shooting through my back and down my left leg is making it hard for my brain to work properly.

  “Paige? Darling, are you okay?” I look up to find Cutter staring down at me.

  “Get away from her you asshole. Look what you did now. Just leave her alone before you actually kill her this time.” Cutter looks at Millie with shame in his eyes. He doesn’t respond to her, he just turns and walks toward the stairs where Laney watches with horror.

  “Cutter…” Laney says as he pushes past her to storm down the stairs. She follows after him.

  “Are you alright Paige? What do you need?” Millie is kneeling next to me looking terrified.

  “I’m okay. I just landed hard.” I tell her as I try to sit up. Millie grabs my hand and steadies me.

  “Give her a second Millie. She needs to let the nerves in her leg get feeling back before she tries to stand.” Holden tells her as he crouches down on the other side of me.

  Seeing his bloody nose I instantly feel horrible. “Oh Holden I’m so sorry.” I tell him.

  “You have nothing to be sorry about.” He says simply shaking his head.

  “I should have known better.” I tell him apologetically.

  “Look we all have at least one crazy ex, right?” He says smiling at me. “Plus I think the blood is really improving my tough guy image.”

  I let out a small laugh. I can’t believe how easy-going Holden is being about all of this. He is quickly becoming more and more interesting to me.

  “I think I can get up now.” I tell him and Millie.

  They both help me to my feet and I limp a little bit but not as bad as I expected. Thankfully we are only a few minutes from shore and we will be leaving this nightmare cruise behind.

  When the boat docks I stay up above with Holden until it is time to leave. I’m hoping if I wait long enough I will miss Cutter, but of course I can never be that lucky. Holden holds my hand, steadying me, as we descend down the stairs to the main deck. When we reach the bottom I spot Cutter in the corner. Tanner has him pushed against the wall and is talking to him in harsh low tones. Our eyes lock and I can see he is seething with anger. I grasp Holden’s hand tighter and walk past him. Cutter must have noticed Holden has my hand because he growls and starts to try to push past Tanner.