Love & Hate (Book Two: Love) Read online

  “Okay…” I know she is stalling because this is something bad and she knows it will upset me.

  “He is with Laney Davis now. He said he thinks it’s pretty serious.”

  Any pieces of my heart that were still clinging to Cutter now just evaporated. I knew when I saw him today with her that they were together. Something in my gut told me they were no longer just friends but the feelings I buried deep down didn’t want to believe it. Now, there was no denying it, Cutter had moved on. That realization spurred something inside of me. As the last tiny tendrils of hope died inside of me, anger replaced them.

  “It’s okay. I kind of already knew Mills. I saw him with her today as I drove by the frat.” Millie was now staring at me wide eyed.

  “You okay with all this?”

  “Better than okay, I mean really who cares about him.” I know she knows I’m lying.

  “P…”

  “It’s okay Mills. I refuse to let him get to me. He is not worthy of my tears anymore. He never really was.”

  We stay on the porch and finish our beers. We chat about more upbeat things like what classes we are taking and the cute fraternity guys that live on our street. It finally turns dark and we head inside to watch T.V. for a while. Deadliest Catch is on. Millie doesn’t watch it so I force her to watch a marathon since my Mom also got us Netflix. She falls asleep in about the fourth episode. She is sleeping so soundly on the couch so I cover her in a soft fleece blanket and head off to my room.

  I change into my favorite pajamas and snuggle up in my comfy new bed. I’m not tired, I’m still thinking about everything Millie told me earlier, so I pull out my tablet and start reading a book. Since my accident I read all the time. It helps with the insomnia and when that wouldn’t work I would wonder down to the barn and sit in The Biz’s stall with him. I would sit in his stall for hours brushing him and confessing to him how I feel about everything that was happening. Biz had listened to it all. He heard all my fears and frustrations. He would listen to me cry and let me hug his big old neck until I would finally stop. Sometimes I would eventually fall asleep in his stall with him and Alejandro would find me in the morning. I know my parents would come unglued if they knew I was doing that but thankfully Alejandro never ratted me out. He would just wake me up at first light so I could sneak back into the house before anyone else found me.

  As I lie there reading my cell phone dings on the bedside table next to me and I think it’s probably my Mom or Tess. I am completely shocked when I see the number. I had removed it from my contacts a couple months after the accident in a fit of rage. Too bad I can’t erase the number from my damn memory. I open the text and just stare at my phone.

  I know you read my email. Why are you here?

  I consider throwing my phone across the room. I even consider waking Millie up to have another full on freak-out but I think better of it and silently melt down in the privacy of my room. I can’t believe him. He has some nerve texting me after all this time. I think about what I want to write back to him but then I think back to the conversation Millie and I had on the porch. I refuse to let him make me crazy. So I delete the text message, turn off my phone and attempt to read my book again.

  It’s Friday of rush week and I’m having a great time. I didn’t think I would like talking to the new freshman but surprisingly I really enjoyed it. I had met a lot of girls that seemed really nice and would fit in great in our house. It was fun being back at school and part of the sorority. All the girls had been super welcoming to me and excited to have me back at school. They made me feel at home, which has been a huge comfort to me.

  After our final party we are all caravanning to the dunes on the river. I guess it’s a tradition that all the sororities and fraternities head down to the river and blow off some steam after a long week of recruitment. I was excited for some serious fun in the sun.

  Millie and I had decided to drive my truck and take a few other girls from the house with us. We pull up to the dunes with country music blaring out of the speakers. The dunes are packed full of cars. It kind of reminds me of a river party at home and I feel a bit uneasy. The girls all pour out of my truck and grab the coolers from the back. We start walking toward the river but I am much slower than everyone else thanks to my awesome left leg. Millie hangs back and walks with me. She is excitedly chatting about the hot neighbors and how they are going to be here. I am thankful for Millie’s easy chatter, it helps me relax.

  I am lazily lying on my beach towel next to Mills. I have on my new strappy black bikini from Nordstrom my Mother insisted made me look like a bombshell. I must admit I did look pretty hot in it. Millie wore the cutest neon tribal print bikini I have ever seen. We had been swimming earlier and out on a boat owned by our sorority sister’s boyfriend. So far the day was perfect and I was having an amazing time.

  “Hey ladies.” I knew that familiar voice. I sat up instantly and whipped my head around.

  “Well hello there stranger!” I said looking up at a grinning Tanner.

  “Hey there Lil Sis.” Tanner said as he dipped down to give me a hug. I was completely caught off guard when he lifted me off my towel and bear hugged me. I started laughing as he continued to crush me to his chest.

  “Tanner put me down!” I screeched. I was worried my butt was totally hanging out of my bikini bottoms.

  “Sorry I just missed you.” He said as he sat me down on my feet. I could feel people staring at us. I looked over at Millie who was totally laughing at us. It wasn’t Millie though that was making me feel awkward; it was the person sitting a few yards behind her. He looked as if he had seen a ghost and he was going to beat the shit out of that ghost. Just ignore him Paige. He means nothing to you.

  He pushed up from his chair and stalked off. I instantly felt relief that he was no longer watching me. Tanner and Millie had thankfully missed what had transpired and I didn’t mention it. Tanner sat down next to us and told us stories of backpacking through Europe all summer. Tanner eventually asked me how I was doing since my accident and I told him about all the gory details.

  “I’m really sorry Paige.” He said watching my face for any sign of discomfort.

  “It’s okay. It was hard at first but I’m doing a lot better.”

  “Have you talked to him?” Oh crap, I didn’t see that one coming.

  Millie must have read my mind and smacked Tanner in the arm and muttered something at him I couldn’t hear.

  “It’s alright Mills. No, he has never talked to me about it. He has texted me a few times, which I assume were drunk texts but that’s it.”

  “I know he-” Millie totally cuts him off now.

  “We aren’t talking about him. He is a genuine asshole and Paige is done. End of story.” Whoa what happened to my Zen-like Millie?

  “I get that. Sorry I brought him up.” Tanner says sheepishly.

  I don’t say anything. I just listen contently as Millie and Tanner change the subject to parties. Both Millie and Tanner are social chairs for their houses this semester so they have a lot to discuss about the upcoming social calendar.

  It starts to get dark so Millie and I begin to pack up. I bend down to help Millie with the cooler and she swats me away reminding me how I cannot lift anything like that. I sigh and pick up the towels and make my way toward the truck. Millie is ahead of me carrying the giant cooler by herself. I make it to the parking lot and open up my truck to throw the towels in when I hear them.

  “Cutter seriously quit. You’re such an animal.” I turn to look and right behind me in the row of cars is Cutter and Laney. He has her caged against the side of his truck and he is pulling at the top of her swimsuit. My stomach turns upside down and I feel like I might get sick. Just ignore them. Get in your truck and just ignore them Paige.

  I want to turn my back and hop in the driver side of the truck but I am transfixed watching them, I can’t stop. Cutter looks happy and carefree as he laughs and tickles Laney. I know I’m just prolonging my own agony by wat
ching, but part of me wants to sear this pain onto my heart so I will never forget it. I think if I hold onto that pain I will never fall victim to him again.

  Millie slams the tailgate shut with a thud and Cutter’s head snaps up to see me staring at him through the maze of cars. Oh crap I should have looked away!

  “Paige?” His voice is low and angry. I turn and open my truck door. I almost make it inside when his large hands grab the side of my door. “What are you doing here? You cut your hair?” He reaches up and touches a strand of my hair in disbelief. When he touches me it lights a fire inside me. I immediately travel back in time to when things were good between us, when I craved his touch. I snap out of my day dream the second I remember what I just saw him doing to Laney. Why does he keep asking me that? I have just as much right to be here as he does and I happen to love my new hair!

  “Don’t fucking touch me Cutter!” I don’t even recognize my own voice, it is so bitter. He instantly steps back from me, giving me room to make my exit. Without a second glance I climb into my truck and pull away leaving him standing there.

  Millie is sitting in the passenger seat wide eyed. I know she witnessed that whole exchange. “I’m really proud of you P.”

  I smile at her. “Thanks, it felt really good.” The thing is though, it didn’t feel good. It felt horrible. Watching him paw all over Laney Davis was more than I could take. Something in me snapped and I felt the rage settle inside of me. So when he touched me it was just more than I could handle and I freaked out a bit. I know I shouldn’t care that I yelled at him. He deserved that and so much more. I guess I’m just different than him, I find it hard to hurt people I love.

  CHAPTER 3

  I’m not really enthused to go to this party considering the events that transpired yesterday. However, Millie convinced me that I couldn’t possibly miss the big back to school party at the apartments off campus. She had reassured me that the party would be huge and I would have a blast. I was now determined to go and enjoy myself.

  It was freaking hot as hades out even though it was late at night. I was glad I wore my black bandage dress. It was light jersey material so it was keeping me cool. I paired it with matching cute flats and did my hair stick straight to show the precision cut of my bob. Millie wore a navy lace dress that was very country chic. It complimented her beautiful red hair perfectly.

  Once we arrived at the apartments Mills and I conveniently ran into our hot neighbors and began chatting with them. Millie was right, they were all pretty freaking hot. There were three of them. Brooks was super tall and had dark hair and the sexiest green eyes I had ever seen. Then there was Brett, he was shorter and stockier with blonde hair and blue eyes. Last but definitely not least was Holden; he was tall with dirty blonde hair and the sweetest dark brown eyes. All of them seemed equally nice and funny. They entertained Millie and I with story after story of living together and the pranks they pull on each other. All three of them are from the same hometown and have been best friends most of their lives.

  I could tell immediately that Mills favored Brooks. She was totally flirting with him. I could tell Brooks was also into her because he was hanging on everything she said. Holden was chatting with me, asking me questions about my major and where I grew up. I told him but I left out riding. I didn’t want to have to explain why I no longer was able to ride.

  We talked easily for a long time. I eventually noticed that Millie and Brooks had wondered off. Holden had refilled my beer several times and I was defiantly feeling buzzed. I started to get concerned how I was going to get home. Millie and I had car pooled with a few girls from the sorority. I know most people will just walk home but that’s really far for me and my bum leg. If only I had my dang phone I could call the sorority for a ride home. I’m considering asking Holden to use his phone when I feel eyes on me. I know it’s him. I have always been able to feel him before I ever laid eyes on him. I look around and I see him. He is standing against the wall of the apartment complex in the dark shadow. He is watching me talk to Holden. I steady myself and attempt to ignore him. I tell myself to concentrate on what Holden is talking about.

  When Holden gets done explaining to me about his major I ask him if I can use his phone. He fishes around his pocket and pulls out his sleek black smartphone. He hits the power button and nothing happens.

  “I’m sorry it’s dead. I must not have charged it today.” Crap of all craps!

  “It’s okay. I am going to see if I can find Millie.” I tell him.

  “Do you want me to help you look for her?”

  I politely decline and tell him it was nice to meet him. I look for Mills for a while but finally give up and start my long walk home. I know I should have brought my phone. Millie had hers and I’m sure she is trying to find me but the party is huge.

  I have been walking for a long time when a truck pulls up on the sidewalk in front of me. I know it’s his truck but I contemplate ignoring him and jumping to the other side of the street.

  “What the hell do you think you’re doing Paige?” Oh great here we go. Maybe he will ask me one more time what I’m doing here.

  “What do you want Cutter?” I growl at him.

  “Why are you walking in the middle of the night by yourself?” I continue walking past his truck. I know he is going to follow me but I keep walking anyway.

  “I’m completely capable of taking care of myself but thanks for your concern.” I yell back at him but that’s when it happens. Of all the times in the world, my left leg goes partially numb and I stumble. I don’t fall. I’m used to this. I have worked my leg to the point of exhaustion before and I know the warning signs before it completely gives out. I stop and try to rest.

  “You’re limping.”

  “Yeah I know.” I tell him frustrated.

  “Paige just get in the truck. I’ll take you home. Okay?”

  “NO.” I snap back at him and try to walk off but I know if I continue eventually I will fall.

  Cutter doesn’t give me a choice he is at my side picking me up and placing me inside the passenger side of his truck. I try to ignore the deep ache in my chest I feel as he touches me and cradles me against him.

  “Way too damn skinny.” He mutters as he carries me to the truck. I just ignore his statement not wanting to dignify it with a response.

  Thankfully he doesn’t say much as we drive toward my house until we get close to Greek row. “Where do you live? The sorority?” He asks me.

  “No. I live on the end of Howard Street.”

  “You live by yourself?” I can hear the concern in his voice and it instantly pisses me off. He wasn’t concerned about my well-being for the last year and half so why does he give a shit now?

  “It’s none of your business.” I tell him simply. We are on Opal Street so I know we will be on my street in just a second and I’m hoping I can keep it together long enough to get out of this truck before I explode.

  “You know what-” Yup too late.

  “No you know what. I don’t get you. I don’t fucking hear from you for a year and a half other than some random drunk texts saying you’re sorry, and now all of sudden you are Mr. Concerned. Well, guess what you can save it. I don’t need your concern. I’m doing just fine.”

  He doesn’t say anything just turns onto my street and slows near my house. “Is that your truck?”

  “Yes and that’s my house. Thanks for the ride.” I am a total mess. I know I’m going to cry but I need to get in my house first. I open my door to climb out but its pulled shut immediately. Cutter is leaned over the center console of his truck and has effectively trapped me inside the cab.

  “Wait just a minute Paige. We need to talk. Okay?” He looks sincere so against my better judgment I don’t shove my way out of the truck.

  “Talk about what?” I mutter.

  “I’m so sorry Paige. I know I really screwed things up but I want you to know that I’m so sorry about everything that happened. I need you to know that it wasn’t a
lie. I loved you.” When he said the word loved, I could feel more pieces breaking inside my chest. “I was just hoping maybe we could be friends again. I really miss our friendship.”

  I can’t take in air. It feels like an elephant is on my chest squeezing my lungs. I struggle to not show my emotions to him. I have worked too dang hard for him to see me cry now. “Sure, whatever. Thanks for the ride.” I say through a plastered on fake smile.

  I open the door and this time he doesn’t slam it shut. I know I’m limping as I make my way across the street to my porch. When I get inside I press my back against the front door and slide down it so I’m sitting propped against it. I’m crying and I know I have been since I took about three steps out of his truck. I was humiliated having him see me struggle to get across the road like that. If I hadn’t have been so desperate I wouldn’t have gotten in the truck with him, but I knew I couldn’t make it all the way home with my leg being so weak. Being in his truck was even worse. That truck held so many memories of us. It still smelled of his cologne and it made me miss him. It made me long for the Cutter I used to know. The one that “loved” me, as he so eloquently put it. Then to totally kick me when I’m down he had said he wanted to be friends. I’m sure that was out of guilt and pity for what he had done to me. I know I should hate him for all of it, but it’s just so hard to separate my hate from my love.

  Millie finally came home about an hour after I made it home. I was still lying against the door when she tried to open it. She took one look at me and knew I had seen him. Mills helped me too my room. She noticed my limp right away and went full on Mom mode. She gave me a lecture on how I need to always bring my phone with that she had been trying to call me and looked all over the party for me.

  I felt bad that I worried her. I told her I was sorry and in true Millie style she told me it was no big deal. She then helped me get in my pajamas and got me some water and my meds to help with the numbness in my leg. I told her what happened with Cutter. She seemed relieved he had found me and gave me a ride but was mad that he upset me.