Love & Hate (Book One: Hate) Page 13

  “Cutter, I don’t want you to fight with your brother. That is your family. I don’t want to be the thing that comes between you and him.” I know he will tell me not to worry about that or that he doesn’t care. But I do care. I can’t live with being the dividing force between them.

  “Paige, I refuse to give you up so either Cooper accepts it or he doesn’t but my mind is made up. You are mine darling and I will give up anyone or anything to keep you.”

  I don’t have any clue how to respond. That is not what I was expecting. The weight and the emotions of the day suddenly hit me like a mac truck. I know I’m crying and it’s going to be an ugly horrible cry but I can’t stop it. I love Cutter and hearing him say he won’t give me up fortifies that fact. I know I have been in love with him for a long time now but I have been trying my best to ignore it, not wanting to expose my feelings.

  “Paige, please don’t cry.” He says as he encapsulates my body in his huge arms, rocking me back and forth as my body is wracked with large hideous sobs.

  Cutter holds me and soothes me until I finally regain some semblance of control. I know he is worried what all my tears mean. I wipe my face on the sleeve of my sweatshirt I madly threw on before we left Pullman. Cutter steps back from me and picks up our bags.

  “I think you need to rest baby, where is your room so I can put your stuff away.”

  “Oh it’s… It’s just right down the hall here.” I tell him as I make my way down the large hallway.

  My bedroom is on the first floor for a reason. When my parents built the house I was just a little girl. They had asked me what I wanted my room to look like and I proceeded to tell them I wanted to live with my horse, Bismarck in his stall. They compromised with me and built my room on the first floor right next to The Biz’s paddock. They had custom floor to ceiling bay windows made with a perfect window seat so I could sit and watch Biz graze and play anytime I wanted. The Biz loves it as much as I do and spends many hours in the end of his paddock in front of the window.

  As we walk into my room I spot Biz out in his field grazing. I walk over to the window and lightly tap on the glass so he knows I’m home. He lazily walks over and puts his nose on the window and I place my hand on the glass where his nose is. It’s our little ritual. I know he can’t smell me with the thick pane between us but he acts as if he can and it makes me smile.

  “Whoa. You have a horse in your bedroom?” Cutter looks a bit perplexed.

  “He’s not in my bedroom my window is in front of his paddock. This is Bismarck, he was my childhood horse. He is retired now.”

  “Beautiful.” I’m not sure if he is talking about The Biz or me but I don’t ask. I wouldn’t be offended if he was talking about him, he is very handsome and I take great pride in owning him.

  “Are you tired?” He asks as I stare out at the field.

  “Extremely.”

  He walks over to my fluffy bed and pats it. “Well climb in then.” I do as he says and he pulls the covers over me like usual.

  “Aren’t you going to get in?” I ask confused as to why he isn’t climbing in with me.

  “I’m going to go crash on the couch for a few hours.”

  I don’t want him to do that. I want him to get in this bed with me and cuddle. I need to have Cutter’s touch to reassure me everything is going to be okay. “Cutter please stay in here with me.”

  He looks at me cuddled under the covers and then back at the door. He lets out a little sigh and then kicks off his pants and climbs in my giant bed next to me.

  I know I should be excited I have a partially naked man in my bed but I can’t be I’m too tired. I drift off to sleep when Cutter snuggles up next to me and holds me to his chest. I hear him mutter something right before sleep takes over and I think he says he is sorry.

  CHAPTER 20

  “What do you mean it’s a total body workout?” Cutter asks me as I tack up The Biz and another retired horse named Moses. I know he is genuinely curious about riding but I also know that he is skeptical about how much effort it really takes.

  “Look riding horses is all about muscle control. It’s better than Pilates. You’ll see.”

  I convinced Cutter to go riding with me after we woke up from our much needed nap. He didn’t seem nearly excited as I was about this adventure but he agreed anyways. I lead both horses out to the pasture outside the arena. My parents own lots of acreage that is perfect grazing land for the horses and this particular pasture has a beautiful view of Mt. Baker. My favorite field is the one in front of the property that runs along our long gravel driveway. There is a creek that runs next to the fence line in the back and I love to let the horses wade through the water.

  “He’s not going to buck me off or anything is he?” Cutter asks as I hand him Moses reins.

  “Well that depends.”

  “On what?”

  “On you. Horses respond to pressure. If you apply too much pressure you will get an overreaction. If you apply too little you will probably get no reaction at all.”

  “That is not very reassuring Paige.”

  I just smile at him and tell him to climb on up. He does and I fix his stirrups so he doesn’t look like a jockey. I show him how to hold his reins and explain how to use them. I know Moses will take care of him, he is the oldest horse at the barn and we use him to help break the young horses. When young horses want to spook and overreact at things in the arena we tie them to Moses and let him lead them around. Moses is an old pro and makes sure the young horses learn the ropes. He came to our family a long time ago. When my Dad bought him he was one of the top twenty horses in the nation. He is doubled registered Paint and Quarter horse making him even more valuable. Moses, however burnt out early on and has since retired.

  After Cutter is situated on Moses, I hop on The Biz. He loves this. His favorite thing is to run as fast as he can to the bottom of the field. I hold him back because I know Cutter won’t appreciate a full speed chase between the two horses, although I would love to see how he would handle it. Instead we lazily walk and jog through the field at the edge of the fence line near the gravel road.

  “So how long have you been riding?”

  “Since before I could walk. There are pictures of me riding with my Dad when I’m just an infant. I started showing horses at the age of six and I have been addicted ever since. I don’t think I will ever give it up.”

  “Wow. That is impressive.” He looks over at me as the horses carry us through the high grass.

  “Yeah, I love it. I’m working hard to win my first world title. It’s a dream I have been chasing for years.” I tell him as I run my hands through The Biz’s mane.

  “When are the world championships?”

  “It takes place every year in Texas for Paint horses, but I’m not ready yet. I have a new horse that is getting trained. He is young and won’t be ready for about two more years. My Dad gave him to me as a surprise a few months ago, his name is Dexter.”

  “I’m sure you will do amazing.”

  “Thanks, I just hope Dex and I can come together as a team.”

  “When we get back to the barn will you show him to me?”

  “Sure.” I tell him. It is surreal having Cutter Daniels here riding next to me and asking me about my life’s passion. He seems genuinely interested in everything I tell him and it makes my heart swell.

  A couple hours later we returned to the house to clean up before we go back to the hospital to see Jasper. Cutter seemed to really enjoy our ride even though now he claims his legs are killing him. After our ride I took him for a walk through the barns and introduced him to Dex. I could tell he was a bit nervous around him because he is so young and full of energy. It was feeding time so Dex was trotting circles in his stall and whining loudly. The young horse’s playfulness didn’t faze me at all; he is just your typical young cocky male who likes to show off. Cutter was seemingly unimpressed with my explanation of his behavior, which made me laugh. Horses I understand. I can read
them easily, but guys I don’t understand them all.

  Visiting hours were almost over when we returned to the hospital. I am nervous the minute we walk into the waiting area. I am bracing for round two between Cutter and Copper. Thankfully, Cooper is nowhere to be seen. The waiting room is mainly filled with Jaspers relatives and few guy friends I recognize. Cutter immediately goes to talk to the guys he knows to get an update. I see Jasper’s Dad and make my way over to him to see how he is holding up. Jasper’s Dad and Mom have always been sweet to me and I really enjoy them.

  “Hi Mr. Callaway.” I say to Jasper’s dad.

  “Hi Paige.” He says sweeping me up into a hug.

  “How’s he doing?” I ask cautiously.

  “He is stable. The doctor’s said that they may move him from ICU tomorrow if the swelling in his head subsides.”

  “That is great news.” I tell him and we chat for a few more minutes before I see Jasper’s Mom come out of the double doors that lead to the ICU.

  “Oh Paige, honey I’m so glad you are here.” She tells me and gives me a hug as well.

  “I came as soon as I heard.”

  “Well he is awake and I’m sure he would love to see you so go on back.”

  I tell her okay and walk on back to Jasper’s room. He is still hooked up to all the same machines from earlier but I can tell he is feeling a bit better because he is sitting up talking to a nurse.

  I try to hang back and let them finish their conversation but Jasper hears me enter the room. “There’s my girl!” Oh crap.

  “Hi Jasp.” I go in and sit in the chair next to his bed as I watch the nurse finish what she was doing and leave the room.

  “God, I have missed you baby. Don’t I get any sugar?” What the heck? Why is Jasper acting like this?

  “Uh… Jasp I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Oh don’t worry about me. I’m feeling much better. Now come over here so I can touch you.” Oh shit he must be having memory troubles from his fall. FUCK. How am I going to handle this?

  “Jasp… we aren’t together anymore.” He looks at me shocked as if I just told him the earth is flat. Smooth Paige, the poor guy almost died and now you break his heart all over again.

  A small smile plays on his lips. “I know. I was just messing with you. I was trying to see how long I could get you to play along.” What an asshole!

  I reach over and swat his arm. “You are such a jerk Jasp! You totally had me going.”

  He lets out his signature deep laugh which makes me laugh. It feels good seeing him play around and make jokes after everything that has happened to him.

  “So… where is that man of yours?” He asks totally calling out the big fat elephant in the room. Jasp has never been one to just ignore things.

  “He’s in the waiting room with some of the guys.”

  “So you love him, huh?” Here we go!

  “I’m that easy to read, huh?” Jasper knows me way too well. He knows I wasn’t in love with him. It is now painfully obvious seeing me with Cutter. I instantly feel bad about that.

  “Just be careful, Paige. There are things you don’t know.” Wait what?

  “What things?”

  “It’s not for me to say, I’m just telling you to be careful, okay?”

  I shake my head yes and we change the subject. It’s no use trying to pry it out of Jasper, he is like steel vault when it comes to secrets. I know that little tid bit of information was extremely hard to come by. We chat for a few more minutes before I head to the waiting room to let Cutter have his turn visiting. I sit down in the waiting room replaying the conversation Jasper and I just had over and over in my mind.

  The ride home from the hospital is eerily quiet. I know Cutter and Jasper must have had their own talk about things because Cutter has been zoned out since he walked through the doors of the ICU.

  By the time we get to the house it is already dark outside. The long gravel drive is lit by the two rows of trees that have twinkling white Christmas tree lights. My Mother always has the ranch hands put them up right before Thanksgiving. They probably put them up this week while it was dry. Winters in the Pacific Northwest are notoriously cold and rainy. I know the rain is long overdue but will make up for its absence soon enough.

  We arrive at the house and Cutter parks the truck. Part of me wonders if he will just walk me to the door and go on home to see his Mom. I don’t want him to leave but I understand he should probably go home to see her.

  When we reach the door Cutter follows behind me as I enter the house. I drop my keys on the big round table in the foyer like normal and head toward my bedroom. Cutter continues to follow behind me. I guess I should ask him if he plans to stay but part of me doesn’t want to remind him that he has a house to go home to.

  I go inside my oversized walk-in closet to look for my favorite pajamas. Cutter is leaning against the doorframe watching me, for some reason that makes me very nervous. Nervousness and I don’t mix; it brings out my word vomit.

  “Are you staying?” Gah! We just went over how you weren’t going to ask him that Paige!

  “Why wouldn’t I be staying? I thought we already established I’m staying.” He seems irritated at my question. I don’t really blame him; even I’m irritated at my question.

  “I just wondered.” I say feigning complete ignorance.

  I walk past him and into the giant on-suite bathroom that adjoins my room. I proceed to get ready for bed. Cutter just watches from the doorway again. What is with him? Why does he keep watching me like I’m a freaking zoo animal?

  I just get done brushing my teeth when Cutter walks up next to me. “Paige I need to tell you something.” OH SHIT. Is he going to tell me whatever it is that Jasper knows? My mind has been on overdrive wondering what it is that Jasper knows.

  “Okay.” I say as I take my time putting my stuff away neatly in the drawers next to the sink.

  He takes ahold of my wrists stopping my nervous organizing and pulls me toward him. He pulls me so I am facing him with my back against the bathroom counter. I can see the trepidation in his face which scares me. I’m not sure I want to know whatever it is he is going to tell me.

  “I should have told you this a while ago Paige.”

  “Okay…”

  He looks away from me and down at the floor for a long while. When his eyes finally return to mine I no longer see fear, he has that quirky sly grin and there is lightness to his eyes.

  “Paige… I love you. I’m in love with you darling.” What???

  CHAPTER 21

  “You do?” I know I overheard him tell Jasper he was in love me but it’s totally different having him be this close and telling me. It feels way too good to be true, but I want so desperately for it to be true.

  “Yes Paige, I do. I have been for a while now and I should have told you earlier.” His eyes are shimmering as he gazes at me. I can’t breathe. I know I need to tell him I love him too but I literally can’t talk right now.

  Cutter notices I’m struggling and asks me if I’m okay. I shake my head yes and attempt to get control of myself. I know I’m starting to freak him out because his smile has now faded. Shit, get yourself together before you ruin this.

  “I love you too.” I blurt out in a rush. Oh that was smooth Paige.

  Cutter’s face instantly lightens and the biggest smile I have ever seen him have plays across his face. “I know you do baby.”

  I don’t think about what I’m doing, I just launch myself at him attacking his mouth with my own. Cutter groans and fists his hands in my hair, holding my head exactly where he wants it. He pushes me against the counter top so my bottom is perched on it and pulls at my shirt. He has it off and over my head in seconds. He begins pulling at my pants next. Within seconds they are gone as well. By the time I realize I only have on my bra and panties. He is lifts me in his arms and begins striding out of the bathroom.

  Cutter carries me to my bed and places my gently in the middle of it.
I think he is going to climb in with me but instead he stops at the edge and starts removing his clothes. I watch as he undresses in front of me and I’m in total awe. He is so gorgeous, I love seeing him naked.

  “Enjoying the view?” Shit he totally caught me ogling him.

  I blush and shift my gaze away from him. Cutter climbs in the bed next to me and gently tips my chin so I am looking at him again. I think he is going to say something to me but instead he slowly starts kissing my cheek. He trails kisses along my cheek by my ear to the side of my neck.

  “This has to go darling.” He whispers in my ear as expertly undoes the clasp of my bra. “These too.” He leaves my side to slide my panties down my legs. I feel totally exposed but I don’t freak out because it’s Cutter who is seeing me this way. I want him to see me naked. It turns me on to watch him look at me hungrily. It was never like this with Jasper. I never got completely naked and I never would have felt comfortable to allow him to undress me. I know the difference now is I’m in love with Cutter.

  “Cutter…” I say as he lightly kisses my neck.

  “Hm… what baby.”

  “I’m ready.”

  “I know baby I’ll get there in a minute.” He doesn’t get what I’m saying.

  “No, Cutter I’m ready. I want to…” I can’t say it.

  He pulls back from me instantly and looks at me quizzically. “Are you sure?”

  I shake my head yes.

  “I need you to say it baby. I want you to be sure about this.”

  I take a steadying breath and work up the courage to ask this gorgeous man to make love to me. “I want you to be my first Cutter.”

  He makes a low noise and then locks his lips to mine. “I don’t want to hurt you Paige, but your first time is probably going to hurt. I need you to tell me if it’s too much and I’ll stop, okay?”