Love & Hate (Book One: Hate) Read online

  “I was at your mercy a minute ago and now you’re going to be at mine.” I say with a taunting little grin on my face.

  I slide myself down his body so I am straddling his lower legs. Seeing Cutter completely naked is like looking at direct sunlight. It’s beautiful but it hurts if you look too long. It makes it hard for me to breathe. I’m freaking out a bit. Seeing the sheer size of Cutter is intimidating. He truly is the perfect male specimen. I try to even rationalize in my head how his manhood would fit inside me. The longer I look at him I start to feel a low ache in my abdomen.

  “Page-”

  I don’t let him finish what he is going to say I just grab a hold of his penis and rock forward bringing it into my mouth. I hear him let out a guttural moan. This encourages me so I take him deeper in my mouth. He tastes exactly how I expected him to, a mixture of musk and sweetness. I can’t get enough of him. I increase the pace of my sucking and I know he is getting close because he starts to move his hips up to meet my mouth. He tries to push me back. I know he is warning me that he is going to come but I want him to continue. My refusal to stop drives him over the edge. He comes apart while he is still in my mouth. I swallow every drop of him.

  When I sit back on my heels he looks at me like I have two heads. He then pulls me up to lay against his chest, pulling the covers over us.

  “You are amazing. Do you know that?”

  I moan my acknowledgment. I am suddenly very tired and being in Cutter’s arms is like being wrapped in the fluffiest down comforter ever. I am in my own personal heaven. As I drift off to sleep I feel Cutter lightly kiss my forehead. Is it possible I already love him?

  CHAPTER 18

  I wake up startled. I can hear Cutter talking on his phone and he sounds upset. He is in the corner of my dorm room pacing and looking out the window. It is still dark so it must be the middle of the night. He suddenly stops and stares out the window as if he is looking for something.

  “How long has it been?” Cutter snaps into the phone and then he waits for a reply from whomever he is talking to. I sit straight up in the bed not caring that I’m totally naked. The despair I hear in Cutter’s voice is scaring me.

  “Okay, I am on my way.” He hangs up and turns to me. His face gives away his fatigue and worry.

  “I have to go Paige.” He starts to gather up his clothes from next to my bed. I know he isn’t trying to hurt my feelings but I can’t help but feel he is shutting me out. I reach out to grab his arm as he bends down next to me.

  “What is going on Cutter? Talk to me.” I plead.

  He stops what he is doing and looks at me. I can see it hits him that I am worried but I can see he is contemplating not telling me. Finally he comes out with it. “It’s Jasper. He was on a hunting trip with Cooper and he went missing. They were in the mountains hunting elk and they got separated. Cooper looked for hours but couldn’t find him and had to drive almost an hour out of the mountains to get cell service to call for help. He has been missing since yesterday.”

  I feel like I can’t breathe or I may vomit. I love Jasper, I may not be in love with him, but I have love for him. He is my friend and has been the biggest reason for my increase in self-esteem.

  “I’m going with you.” I don’t think about it, I just get up and run into my closet grabbing a small bag and madly tossing items into it.

  Cutter comes to the door of my closet and leans against it watching me throw clothes around like a tornado. “Paige…”

  “Don’t try to talk me out of going Cutter. I am going. Jasper is my friend too and I want to be there for him.” I don’t stop what I’m doing I just keep packing as quickly as humanly possible.

  “I know darling. I was just going to suggest you pack some warm clothes.” He says softly.

  I stop packing, stride over to him and throw my arms around his neck. “Thank you Cutter.” I know he was going to try to get me to stay behind but thought better of it. I appreciate that he didn’t tell me no.

  “Hurry up we need to stop over at the frat so I can grab a bag too.”

  Two hours later we are on I-90 headed towards home. I am running on pure adrenaline. My mind is spinning at the possibilities of what has happened to Jasper. Cutter and I haven’t talked much; we are both too focused on what is happening at home. Once and a while Cutter gets phone calls from whom I assume is Cooper giving him updates. Cooper told Cutter that search and rescue team has been there and is combing the woods looking for Jasper but has found nothing yet. It is so cold out. I know it is snowing in the mountains and I can’t help but worry Jasper is all alone and freezing to death.

  Cutter’s voice pulls me from my morbid thoughts. “Paige, do you need to call your parents and tell them you’re coming home?”

  “Oh crap, my parents are gone. They are in Oklahoma at the Quarter Horse World Championships. Shoot.” My parents always go to Oklahoma before Thanksgiving for the world show. They won’t be home until Wednesday.

  I rifle threw my purse to find my phone so I can call them. When I find it I see I have a half a dozen missed calls from Lacey and just as many voicemails. I listen to the first one and she tells me about how Jasper is missing. The fact that Lacey has been spamming my cell phone means she is scared as well. Lacey doesn’t like to talk on the phone. In fact since I moved away to college I think I have only talked to her on the phone like three times. She texts me all the time though, mostly about horse stuff and the occasional inquiry to see if I have had any progress in the Cutter department.

  After the voicemail finishes I call her but she doesn’t answer so I call my parents. My Mother answers on the first ring. Classic Mother. She can sleep through anything but her phone rings in the middle of the night and she is on high alert.

  “Hey Mom, yeah I’m okay. It’s Jasper. He is missing. He was hunting and got separated from the others. I’m headed home with Cutter. We are half way there now.” I tell her trying my best to be calm. My Mom is the queen of questions so she peppers me with what feels like a complete interrogation. Most of the questions I can only answer that I don’t know, because I freaking don’t know. She finally gives up and runs out of questions to ask me. She tells me to be safe and to call her the instant I know something. I assure her I will and hang up.

  “How was that?” Cutter asks me giving me a sideways glance through the darkness in the cab of the truck.

  “I’m used to it. She is just concerned about Jasper and she is worried about me. I don’t think she was thrilled I left school early for break and the fact they aren’t home is sending her into a bit of a tail spin. My Mom knows how close Jasper and I were… or are.” My voice hitches at my realization of my words. I know I’m going to break down but I try my hardest not to, I want to be strong. I look out the window so Cutter won’t see the tears that are starting to come.

  “He is going to be fine Paige. Jasper is young and strong. He taught me everything I know about the outdoors. The guy is a resilient. He is probably just sitting around a camp fire waiting for Coop.”

  I know he doesn’t believe all that. I know he is just as worried as I am, but I appreciate him trying to make me feel better. I watch the snow fall as we make our way through Snoqualmie pass. It will be light soon and I pray that they find Jasper.

  We are just outside of Seattle when my phone rings. Lacey’s face lights up my screen. It’s a silly selfie she took of herself while riding one of the training horses.

  “Hi Lace.” I say as I answer.

  “They found him!” She says with relief and some reservation. I am scared to ask if he is okay, I’m worried she is going to tell me he is dead but I suck it up and ask.

  “Is he okay?” I know I am holding my breath but I can’t help it.

  “He is in pretty bad shape but he is alive. They transported him by helicopter to the hospital. He fell down a cliff and broke a lot of bones and he is suffering from hypothermia but they think he is going to make it.”

  As soon as she says he is going to make it
I stop holding my breath and relax deep into my seat. I steal a look over at Cutter. He is watching the road but glances over at me every chance he can get. I tell Lacey that Cutter and I will be home soon. I thank her for the call and hang up.

  I just get done relaying to Cutter what Lacey says when Cooper calls him. He tells us that Cutter was unconscious when they found him due to the fall off the steep cliff but the EMT’s assured him they thought he would wake up once they got him stable. I am so relieved that he is alive but I am worried about the injuries he sustained in the fall.

  CHAPTER 19

  It’s about eight in the morning when Cutter and I arrive at the hospital. Cutter takes me by the hand and threads his fingers through mine as we quickly walk through the hallway of the hospital. The nurse’s station directed us to the ICU waiting room.

  I guess I should have thought things out a little better. It’s just with everything happening with Jasper I didn’t pay much mind to people’s reaction seeing Cutter and I holding hands for the first time. That was my bad.

  The whole waiting room looks up at us like we are three headed monster or something. I think I saw a few jaws literally fall on the floor. That wasn’t the worst of it though, and I knew deep down it wouldn’t be.

  “What the fuck Cutter! Why are you holding Piggy Princess’ hand? Please tell me you are not screwing that bitch!” Cooper shouts from behind me. I feel like I am having an out of body experience. Being at college these last months has been like living a dream but I am now being rudely awakened to my own personal nightmare. I immediately drop Cutter’s hand and take a step away from his side. I’m hoping the distance will make the ensuing onslaught lessen. Cutter moves toward me as if he doesn’t even hear his brother’s hurtful words. I love him for that, but I’m not strong like he is. Years of constant harassment has taught me the only way to make it stop is to run.

  Thankfully as I turn to make my exit I smack right into Lacey. She envelopes my whole body in a large hug. Whoa, Lace is not a hugger. This must be really affecting her.

  “He’s awake and he is asking for you.” She says.

  “Okay. What room is he in?” I ask her.

  “203, it’s on the left.”

  I turn to walk out of the waiting area and I feel his hand grab my wrist. This causes a furry of whispers in the waiting area but I mentally block it out.

  “Paige…” Cutter looks totally lost. He is exhausted and it shows all over his face. I know he wants to reassure me of how he feels. I know he wants to apologize for the stares and the hateful words from his brother. I also know he is worried that I am going to see my ex who still has feelings for me. I understand all of this just from his simple pained expression. I just nod letting him know I get it and walk down the hall toward Jasper’s room. I don’t know what difficulties lie behind those double doors but I know that I much prefer to deal with them then the ones in the waiting room.

  I sit next to Jasper and slip my hand in his. He is hooked up to machines but he is breathing on his own. He has a large gash on the side of his face from top of his head to below his ear. It looks painful. The doctors must have shaved his head so they could close up the wound. His right leg is in a full cast and so is his right arm.

  He looks at me. I’m not sure if he can really talk but a hint of smile plays across his lips.

  “Jasp…” I can’t finish what I’m going to say I’m going to lose it. I am so relieved to see him and I’m overcome with emotions.

  “Hey, hey I’m fine.” He says with a gravelly voice and gives me his famous sly smile.

  “You could have died Jasper.”

  “Yes, but I didn’t. See I’m still here. I’m not that easy to get rid of.” This is typical Jasper always making light of horrible situations.

  I let out a shaky breath still trying to center myself from all the drama in the waiting room. “I am so glad. I don’t know what I would have done if something would have happened to you. You are one of my closest friends Jasp.”

  I can feel him in the doorway, I don’t look over I just know he is there. That’s the funny thing about Cutter and me. We have this weird chemistry which makes my body go on high alert the minute he is close.

  Jasper notices too. He looks over at Cutter and back at me. In that small timeframe everything between us is revealed. This is not how I wanted Jasper to find out but I can’t be angry about it. I can only hope Jasper isn’t either.

  “How long has this been going on?” Jasper asks looking directly at Cutter.

  “Jasp-” I start but am immediately cut off.

  “Awhile now” Cutter states plainly. Oh hell, this is not going to go well.

  “You treating her right?”

  “Trying to.” Cutter responds dryly.

  Jasper turns and looks at me. “Paige I need to talk to Cutter for a bit.”

  “I don’t think that is a great idea Jasp.” I say.

  “Sweetie its fine we are just going to have a chat and then tomorrow I expect you to bring that cute little ass back here to visit me.” I know I should correct Jasper about the comfortable way he is talking to me, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I just say okay and stand to leave.

  As I walk past Cutter he stops me. “Wait for me down by the main entrance. Coop won’t bother you there. When I’m done talking to Jasp I’ll take you home.” I nod and walk past him.

  I don’t know what it is but something tells me to wait outside the door a minute. I know it’s wrong to eavesdrop on their conversation but something in me is dying to know what is going to be said in that room.

  “So… you and Paige huh?” Jasper asks.

  “Yup.” Cutter responds.

  “You sleeping with her?” CRAP!

  “That’s none of your damn business Jasper.” Cutter growls.

  “You love her?” Oh holy hell.

  “Yes.” Whoa what???

  “You tell her yet?” Jasper asks pointedly.

  “No.”

  “You need to tell her.” Jasper scolds.

  “You’re fucking one to talk man!” Cutter exclaims.

  I’m broken out of my eavesdropping as a nurse walks by glaring at me. This pisses me off because I am trying to hear the rest of Cutter and Jasper’s exchange, but I know I’m not supposed to be loitering in the halls of the ICU. I make my way downstairs to the main entrance to wait for Cutter.

  About a half an hour later Cutter emerges from the elevator and walks toward me. I can tell he is feeling better. He doesn’t look as exhausted as he did before.

  He comes to stand next to me and lightly slips his hand in mine. “Let’s get you home darling.”

  My parent’s farm is about fifteen minutes away from the hospital. We ride in silence both contemplating the events of the evening. I can’t wrap my mind how I went from having this amazing evening with Cutter, to being awaken to Jasper missing and now to this weird limbo I feel exists between Cutter and me.

  We pull up to my parent’s house and Cutter shuts off the truck. “I don’t like you staying alone Paige.” He says seemingly out of left field.

  “It’s fine. I’m not really alone Alejandro is home.” I tell him.

  He scoffs at this. “Alejandro’s house is more than two miles away from the main house.”

  “Cutter, its fine. I’ll be fine.” I say as I open the truck door and jump out.

  He is next to me in a flash. “I’m not leaving you here alone Paige. I’m staying with you. If you don’t want me in your bed, that’s fine. I will sleep on the couch but I’m not leaving you here alone, not after everything that has happened.”

  His eyes tell me everything. I can see the questions he wants to ask me and I feel bad for attempting to push him away. I don’t respond I just head toward the house and he follows.

  To me, my house is just my house. I forget that most people consider it to be a mansion. The foyer is all rich mahogany wood and marble. The sweeping grand double staircase is set off by a huge oval table full of large flowe
rs. It showcases the main entry perfectly. I toss my keys on the large table and start to turn on lights as I make my way through the house to the kitchen.

  Cutter follows me through the house carrying our bags. I know he is taking in the giant house I call a home but I ignore it. I open the fridge and take out a sparkling water and lean against the white marble countertop. My Mother designed the kitchen and it is stunning. It is all stainless steel commercial grade appliances accented by chic white cabinets. I imagine this is a kitchen Martha Stewart would be proud of.

  We stand quietly in the kitchen for a long while before I finally break the silence. “Are you hungry, you want some breakfast? I’m sure there is something in the pantry.” It’s still really early in the morning.

  “No I am fine.” He mutters.

  I know he is upset about the events that transpired at the hospital but isn’t sure how to bring it up. I know it isn’t his fault that his brother is such an asshole but I can’t help the flood of memories of enduring the Daniels brother’s wrath. Cutter is included in those memories, he has always been right there by Cooper’s side as he hurled insult after insult at me.

  I start to feel very uncomfortable with him being in my house. “You don’t have to stay, I’m totally fine on my own.”

  “Paige…”

  “No seriously Cutter, I’m sure your Mom wants to see you.” I know I’m not playing fair but I just want to be alone so I can think.

  “I’m not leaving Paige. I know you are upset about what happened at the hospital and so am I, but we need to talk about it not ignore it.”

  “I’m just tired Cutter.” I tell him hoping he believes it and leaves.

  “Look Paige, you need to know that after you left the waiting room I punched Coop in the face for the way he spoke to you.” He did what???

  “Cutter…”

  “No just listen. I will not tolerate anyone talking to you like that, even if he is my own brother. You deserve respect and I will make sure you get it. I’m sorry how I treated you in the past. I’m more sorry than you will probably ever know, but I can’t take it back. All I can do is make sure you never have to endure that again. Cooper knows now that we are together and I think he understands now he can’t speak about my girl like that.”